Banjo's dead. Long Live Banjo.

There's something very personal about the rough glide of graphite on paper.  In stark contrast to the manic dance of long fingers on plastic keyboard.  Assuming anyone is reading this, the transfer to the digital realm eventually did take place, but these words were conceived in a lonely, insufficiently lit room, when 0.7mm cluch pencil made hurried love to A4 hard cover exercise book.  The latter doesn't belong to me.

I write at a time when I feel creatively stifled.  My guitars are two thousand kilometres away.  I don't have a phone to share my twisted thoughts 140 characters at a time.  My Blackberry Torch was a casualty of my overly enthusiastic exertions on the dancefloor of our local watering hole two weeks prior.

Release is important to me.  I'm in constant need of an outlet.  I wake up some afternoons with my mind racing, a million thoughts per second going through my head.  Mostly sensible things, sometimes deeply philosophical thoughts.  And of course lots of silly things, much of which I share with my Twitter followers.  Mostly in-your-face, uncensored, I-can't-believe-he-just-tweeted-that kinda stuff.  I know it makes some people uncomfortable and others find my tweets downright offensive.  Some days I feel guilty.  Most others, I don't.  Truth is, I like to shock people.  Its a bit of a perversion of mine.  Another truth is, some people like it.  Their retweets tell me so.  The retweets and favourites are shouting loudly to me "Go, stretch, go!!"  Their perverse enjoyment of my reckless tweets feeds my desire to come up with even more shocking material.  Until we're in some depraved cyber orgy.  A sick (and very, very fun) little Catch 22 on the world wide web.

99% of my tweets are gospel truth.  The other 1% contain embellishmets.  Dont act like youve never added spice to a story.

I word of advice though.  Take my tweets cum grano salis.  I always insist that my internet persona is not the same as my real personality.  I'm a fairly introverted and soft-spoken being in person.  I'm only loud and talkative when I'm drunk or in an uncomfortable situation.  I sort of over-compensate for my shyness by being especially mouthy.  My internet persona is an extension of my radio persona "stretch.dj".  stretch is a douchebag who says risqué things on air, flirts with callers and gets drunk and thrown out of nightclubs.  Nkandu Kataya on the other hand, pays his taxes, dotes on his mother and likes cats.

Oh and Banjo Wirez?  He's dead.  Long live Banjo.

Three Full Moons

I've been fascinated by sex since I was a tiny little thing.  I don't think I was more than six when I first stumbled upon soft porn.  I wasn't sure what was going on, but oh how bare breasts excited me!  Thankfully I was raised in a sheltered, religious environment.  The tumultuous teenage years passed largely uneventful for me.  The first kiss at age 14.  Feeling boobs for the first time a few months later (the most perfect D cups ever.  I'll never forget them).  Mostly it was me whacking off to naughty thoughts of girls at my school.  I told myself I was saving it for marriage, or at least for some person and time worth saving it for. 

At sixteen I had my first real test.  She was my age, a close family friend and we were tipsy, in the back of my mom's car, somewhere in Jesmondine.  I still vividly remember how her smooth, dark skin shone in the moonlight from the open sunroof.  She was wearing a matching bra and thong.  We kissed, we grabbed, we groped and we grinded on each other like our young lives depended on it.  We steamed up mommy's windows. 

But we didnt do it.

I just couldn't let myself.  Tomorrow would be Sunday and I was determined that that we would both be at the Kingdom Hall with our mothers. Hangovered, but singing Jehovah's praises heartily, consciences unbothered by thoughts of the previous night's fornicating.  So we put our clothes back on and I dropped her off at home, and headed home myself, with her bra as a souvenir.  Lord how I fapped that night.  In retrospect that probably would've been the perfect introduction to the wonderful world of the flesh;  a girl I actually liked, in a fairly safe and comfortable environment.

Because a year later, my resolve was finally broken.  Like most boys, my first time was with a more experienced woman.  Again, alcohol was involved.  Mosi.  She reeked of the stuff.   She led me behind the Chudleigh tank, mere metres away from her house.  She kept thrusting her tongue in my mouth in a way that I hated.  I didnt have a condom.  She lay down on the ground in the moonlight and divested herself of clothing.  She fumbled around with my belt, and suddenly I found my shorts around my ankles, my pathetic bare buttocks ironically exposed to the full moon.  It was all over within two minutes, with me pulling out just in time to bust an awkward, apologetic nut on her belly.  I was a few weeks shy of my eighteenth birthday.

That damn moonlight.

Kalampa open early lead

After dispatching newcomers Kalulushi Modern Stars on Saturday, Nkana FC find themselves perched atop the MTN FAZ Super League with nine points, two more than Konkola Blades.  Defending champions Zanaco lie 13th with one point from two games, but did not see action this weekend as they lost away to Orlando Pirates to find themselves booted out of the CAF Champions League.  Fourth placed Red Arrows are the top Lusaka side with five points, equal with fellow Ministry of Defence sponsored side Green Buffaoloes.

Courtesy of http://www.fazfootball.com/zambia/logs/

#ZMAs

The first ever Zambian Music Awards were held last week Friday in a glitzy ceremony in Lusaka.  So I’m told.  I monitored the action from my current location via Twitter.  Thanks to the stellar efforts of @luchi7 and @lalozie, I felt like I was actually at Government Complex myself soaking in what must have been a truly electric atmosphere.

The awards seemed very, very well organized.  From the pictures I’ve seen and eye-witness accounts I’ve heard, things ran more or less like clockwork on the night, a stark contrast to the usually chaotic scenes we’ve witnessed on award nights in the past.  The performances seem to have been on point, with Exile, and Danny standing out as the highlights.  From comments on social media, I gather that Ruff Kid’s performance of “Vigabenga” with label-mate Slapdee and Zone Fam was received with mixed feelings, with some showering praise on the diminutive rapper, and others deriding his over-the-top stage antics.  The glaring disappointment of the night performance-wise was Kay Figo, whose off-key delivery prompted @PetersenZagaze to tweet “Awe chachilamo, ichileya chachilamo”!

The big winner of the night undoubtedly was Slapdee with his haul of five awards (six if you include the award for his contribution on “Vigabenga”).  The result is a testament to the real growth of hip-hop in Zambia. Two rappers came out top of the nomination lists (Macky 2 with eight, and Slap with seven nods).  The night did see a couple of upsets:  alternative hip-hop duo 2wo-1ne will certainly feel hard done by as a result of not capping an awesome 2012 with some silverware on Friday.  Over on the radio presenter front, popular “Red Hot Breakfast” presenter  Hope  will have felt robbed of Best Female DJ which was won by Mimi of Q FM.   Ben Blazer triumphed in the Best Producer category, beating out Raydo of Digital-X who many listeners will agree had a lot more hit records in the past year.

Much has been said about notable absences from the list of nominees, particularly big names like JK, Afunika and B1 who have (arguably) enjoyed a lot more success in terms of airplay over the past couple of years.  Perhaps we’ll see a bit of tweaking from the organisers in the form of extra categories in next year's edition to account for artists who enjoy a lot of support on the ground but may struggle to garner sufficient nominations from the voting public.

It was great to see the entertainment galaxy coming out dressed to the nines.  Chi of Hot FM was certainly a talking point among the ladies as was entertainment demi-god Kay Smash.  Lulu Haangala, Atience and Petita Mwanza certainly caught MY attention as they usually do!  Judy, Exile and P'jay (who I insist is the ONLY person on the planet who dresses worse than me!) can certainly expect a call-out from the fashion police for their uninspiring outfits.

Finally, Zambian Breweries deserves commendation for making the event possible.  And hearty congratulations to all winners in their respective categories!  Undoubtedly, this will raise the bar for our little Zambian entertainment world, as everyone now will (hopefully) put their heads down and work very hard this year with hopes of getting a nomination next February. 

Two thumbs up!

7 Reasons Not To Underestimate Zambia At AFCON 13

I was unable to catch this week’s edition of Soccer Africa on Supersport, but I did follow proceedings on Twitter.  Before even a single ball has been kicked, many are of the opinion that Zambia will not see themselves out of group C, which also features Ethiopia, Nigeria and Burkina Faso.  Here’s 7 reasons why they are wrong:

Attacking philosophy.  Many have said that this year’s success in Gabon was down to luck.  On the contrary, the unprecedented triumph in Libreville was the result of free-flowing, direct football.  Quick transitions between defense and attack were a hallmark of epic victories against Senegal and Ghana.  The Chipolopolo leave the bus where it belongs: in the parking lot.

Cohesion.  The current Zambia squad has come up from the youth ranks and are a close-knit unit.  Many have said that the lack of big names discounts them from the ranks of real contenders.  But consider this:  the heart of the Zambian starting XI team play together week-in-week out at Tout Puissant Mazembe in the Democratic Republic of Congo.  The transition from club to country duties is therefore seamless.

Home ground advantage.  Johannesburg is a mere two hour flight from Lusaka, and there are a significant number of Zambians living in South Africa.  During the group stages, Mbombela Stadium will be packed to the rafters with the Chipolopolo faithful.  Expect a lot of support from the host nation, as regional allegiance will certainly come into play.

Game changers.  Rainford Kalaba is the undisputed midfield general.  He makes up for his relatively diminutive stature with sublime ball skills, super-human work-rate and a special knack for the dead ball.  A specialist in collecting the ball deep and efficient distribution with visionary through balls that leave defenses baffled.  Also known to be a deadly finisher given half a chance.

Defense.  The twin-tower pairing of TP Mazembe centre backs Hichani Himonde and Stophila Sunzu are not known to give the opposition much room to create opportunities.  Behind them are a very safe pair of hands in Kennedy Mweene, the vocal and enthusiastic Free State Stars goal-minder who many have touted to take over the Zambia captaincy in the near future

Leadership.  The talismanic Christopher Katongo is every coaches dream captain.  Even on a bad day, his mere presence in the squad inspires confidence in his teammates.  Katongo is composed in front of goal and will punish any slack defensive work.  Chris is comfortable playing out wide on the right, and is known to drop deep to collect balls from his own half to orchestrate a Zambian attack.

Self-belief.   The class of 2012 shrugged off the “underdog” tag the entire world pinned on them and walked away with an historic maiden Nations Cup title.  Undoubtedly the boys will want to silence all critics for good at next years tournament.  Many players in the current squad play in Africa or minor European leagues and will be looking to have an impressive tournament so as to boost their professional careers, fully knowing scouts will be in the stands watching.  This will certainly present a problem for the so called “big names” of African football

Ignore the defending champions at your own peril!

I'm listening to stretch.dj in Hulkshare:

I'm listening to stretch.dj in Hulkshare:

A National Moaning

On the 19^th of September we were shocked to learn that Mama Betty Kaunda, wife of first Republican President Dr. Kenneth Kaunda had died in her sleep in neighbouring Zimbabwe.  News of her death was rightly received with shock, with many Zambians taking to social media to express their sadness at losing a true mother of the nation.  The Government subsequently announced a period of national mourning for the late heroine which has now been extended to Friday the 28^th of September following Dr. Kaunda’s taking ill over the weekend.  As we await our founding fathers recovery from hospital in readiness for Mama Betty’s state funeral on Firday, I thought I’d share a couple thoughts on the concept of periods of national mourning.

The presidential announcement concerning a period of national mourning usually states the duration of the period and the directive that “all flags shall fly at half mast and activities of an entertainment nature should be postponed or cancelled”.  I totally agree with the principle of respecting the memories of the dead, especially when, as in Mama Betty’s case, they have lead an exemplary life and have contributed to the general well-being of the nation.  My quarrel is with the length of a period of national mourning and its effects on the lives of some sections of society.  Being an entertainer and having a background in the private media, I am strongly of the opinion that too long a period of national mourning is retrogressive.  With the instruction to play solemn music throughout the day, radio stations often have to adjust their content to adhere to this directive.  This often involves a change in delivery format or indeed cancellation of sponsored programmes often from large corporate advertisers who often have paid up for their broadcast time in advance.  As to how this issue is addressed between the broadcasters and the advertisers I can only guess, as such issues were beyond my pay grade. The long periods of national mourning also have a negative impact on our musicians and promoters who may have to cancel or postpone a long planned-for show in some distant corner of the country.   After spending money on advertising a promoter or club owner has to bear the financial burden of the loss.

A quick Wikipedia search gave me an indication as to how other countries periods of national mourning… You too can have a read here.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_day_of_mourning In summary though, it seems the Americans only declare a single day of national mourning for late presidents on the day of their state funerals.  Nations in Europe will declare a single day in the case of the highest of high-profile deaths (Lady Diana Spencer and Israeli Yitzhak Rabin got a single day each!) and in the instances of a fairly large tragedy in which many are killed.  Here in Africa it seems the bigger is better, the higher the profile, the greater the duration of a period of national mourning.  In 2008 we saw an unprecedented 3 weeks of national mourning declared for then-president Levy Mwanawasa. 

Inasmuch as we need to honour our departed leaders, let us look pragmatically at the whole concept of national mourning, and not turn it into a meaningless and irrelevant tradition with no real benefit to the nation.  I felt the need to write this piece in order to give a voice to what many have discussed quietly amongst themselves but seem to be too scared or ashamed to say out loud. Rest in Peace Mama Betty, we have lost a symbol of all that is good in Zambian society.