Just a few of the best #MampisHair tweets from Thursday
(n.b. I really didn't mean anything malicious by this, just having a bit of fun... We are 100% behind you girl!)
#MampisHair now on @dstv channel 198
@Jackfro1 #stargame #Mampishair is fluent in 9 languages and is currently learning how to speak 'Am a very awful hair style' @stretchdj
@exquizzitz #MampisHair is the original dark continent #Stargame
@FrancisTandeo @BigBroAfrica we luv u mampi u
@Cutie_Cici Tbh if mampi came to aussie they'd search her hair for drugs n shit!! #realtalk #BorderSecurity
@mack_sqw33zy #mampi #mampi #mampi........wats with the hair????
@ThatBoiDutch Beats by Dre & now we got WEAVE by MAMPI ,..#mampishair
@Mwine_Filimu The President has commissioned a commission to look into #MampisHair
@stretchdj "@the_banda #MampisHair is the reason for global warming" #stargame
@stretchdj @dowjones5 If you look closely you will see two elephants, a land rover and six midgets playing golf in #mampisHair #stargames
@stretchdj #Mampi was here #MampisHair http://pic.twitter.com/tUDmfQcy
@stretchdj Fraudulently obtaining K1bn from MTN ain't beeeg #MampisHair is BEEEEG!!!
@exquizzitz “@Lalozie: #MampisHair just might be #Zambia's 11th province...” *buries self alive*
@Lalozie #MampisHair is the reason Phineas and Ferb were finally busted by Candace...
@velaruze Adams family finaly find a wife for Thing #mampishair
@exquizzitz #MampisHair is the reason there's so much congestion on Lusaka roads
@exquizzitz I'm going to sleep late and fail to get up early tomorrow because of #MampisHair
@The_Banda I bet the girl in this picture wishes she had #MampisHair ~~» http://pic.twitter.com/LfpwkP4Q
@velaruze Breaking News lady gaga loses prop latest whilst on tour #mampishair
@bnach92 @Miss_Bee90 Rapunzle Rapunzle let down #mampisHair
@velaruze If John Cena stands behind #mampishair .. Wat will he say? " U can't c me
@stretchdj #MampisHair > #MyasHair
@casbabie #Mampishair is so unbeweavable
@velaruze #mampishair hair can knock out Esther Phiri.
@stretchdj #MampisHair doubles as her back-up dancer
@Jaybzm #MampisHair can smell what The Rock is cookin'
@pumulokaywala RT @Excus3MyFrench: #mampishair is the inspiration behind Dandy Crazys #CHINTELELWE
@SaniboyMwale Let's have sex no #mampishair attached #dead
@Fuchsiaristic So am looking at myself in the mirror right and my weave says to me,When I grow up,I want to be like #MampisHair
@Chipochedu *dies... comes back to life... Then dies again* RT @geshgroove " pap in Zambia in english is called nshima " #Mampi #BigBrotherStarGames
@haksy89 Some say she can hide the Stig in it... Others say, astronauts are able to see it from space... All we know is, its called #MampisHair
@michstizzy Contrary to popular belief #MampisHair actually grew a human being;her name is Mampi,she is a singer & a contestant in the BBA7
@rebellion414 I bet you need a rake to comb #MampisHair
@Fuchsiaristic #Didyouknow #MampisHair originally belonged to Samson.
@stretchdj #MampisHair is going to be on the new currency
@Bradleychingobe Its easier for a camel to pass through an eye of a needle than to find a chigayo lost in #mampishair
@Hardy_LS @MCFC have sent Patrick Viera to sign #MampisHair for undisclosed fee rumoured to be in the range of $1,600 to $1,600,000
@Hardy_LS #MampisHair fills my ......" tv http://twitpic.com/9jj7pc
@stretchdj George Lucas is rumoured to be interested in #MampisHair for the role of Chewbacca in the next Star Wars flick
@TwentyKwacha #MampisHair will sponsor MMD's national convention.
@Princess_Cobra #MampisHair can scare Chuck Norris
@stretchdj #BreakingNews Bigfoot has finally tracked down in Randburg, South Africa. #MampisHair
@stretchdj #MampisHair shot the sheriff
@stretchdj There is a conspiracy concerning #MampisHair and the Eurozone crisis
@Lalozie The 2.1bllion buried by Liato was change he got after buying #MampisHair
@luchi7 The tennis world is thinking of using #MampisHair as a playing surface after experimenting with blue clay
@stretchdj #MampisHair only dates football players' hair ;)
@Hey_Mr_Lee #MampisHair was an extra in 'Willow Smith's - I whip my hair' video #TeamZambia
@stretchdj #MampisHair has its own diary session #TeamZambia
@stretchdj #MampisHair could feed a family of 6 for, I dunno, the better part of eternity :)
@stretchdj #MampisHair ghost wrote "Swilili"
@stretchdj the purchase of #MampisHair triggered a week of mayhem on the Lusaka Stock Exchange
@stretchdj #MampisHair has its own website
@stretchdj #MampisHair is the GDP of Malawi
@stretchdj hey @kryticismusic lets start a TT #MampisHair
5:24 PM - 10 May 12 via web · Details
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Friday, 11 May 2012
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Stretch's Life Instruction Manual
[first published in August 2009]
1. Carry these important instructions with you wherever you go
2. Playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas into the wee hours of the morning is not a good idea if you have work the following day.
But if you really have to play it, include lots of 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Fat Joe, Camstar and Slapdee
4. Know where and how to get a SIM Replacement...
5. Know how to say "Give me a cigarette" in at least 10 different languages
6. Never EVER say thank you afterward... that's just rude
7. There is never an excuse to NOT wear socks
8. If you ever have to attend to the call of nature and discover yourself without tissue or newspaper... sacrifice your socks...
9. Look right, look left, look right again...
10. If it's yellow and it has a mustache, it just wants your money
11. People have much better things to do than talk about you...
12. Never buy weed that's already been rolled. It's probably not weed.
13. If you ever want to succeed, you actually have to work at it.
14. If she dumps you, spend a year winning her heart back. After you get her back dump her the following week
15. Do it right now. Not tomorrow
16. Send all your uncles and aunties a text every two weeks.
17. Profit ni profit
18. If you're going to talk to a guy or girl you like, brush your teeth thoroughly .
19. Never fart when you're alone in an elevator. You will be gravely embarrassed at the next stop.
20. Don't argue with the conductor
21. Ten pin can solve almost any problem imaginable.
22. No matter how round and appealing it looks, don't grab it. You will lose your job or go to jail
23. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west
24. There's some words you just shouldn't say. Especially when you are drunk.
25 . Save water. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.
26. Warm clothing in cold weather. Self explanatory
27. Expect lots of negativity from around you as your successes begin to stack up
28. Know your bartender by first name.
29. Build a strong friendship with your superiors. Teachers, bosses, religious leaders, parents and senior family members.
30. If you don't know what you're talking about, you don't necessarily need to shut up. Just keep making your audience feel small and stupid. This is also the first rule of Stretch's Guide to Propaganda. But we shall tackle this another week.
31. There are some phone numbers you must always keep in your head. These include your significant other( spouse, girl/boyfriend), your parents, and a friend who is most likely to be holding a large quantity of cash on his person at any given time. Please note that this last individual is the most important person in your life. He is the difference between spending a weekend in jail and resuming a great night on the town.
32. There IS actually a cure for the common cold. It's 10 little yellow pills known as Piriton and they can be bought for as little as K500.
33. Size matters.
34. Dry lips aren't sexy.
35. Dancing alone in a nightclub doesn't mean you will die alone. It just means you're not the best dancer.
36. Make up for your shortcomings with mastery of your strengths
37. Not matter how much you shake and dance, the last drop always ends up in your pants. (Andrew Adams, thanks!)
38. You don't need to watch the game. Just find out the half time score, final score, and the scorers. Everyone will be fooled.
39. The herd is probably headed to an abattoir, en masse. You don't have to follow.
40. You don't need drugs, movies, alcohol, or novels to escape reality. Just good old-fashioned daydreaming.
41. Breakfast. Non-negotiable
42. Delicacy is another way of spelling gag reflex.
43. If you have to dumb down when talking to your significant other, the relationship is destined for failure.
44. If you walk from Kabwe roundabout to Kafue roundabout and complain of fatigue at any point, you are either very lazy or a very spoilt brat. Or, God forbid, both.
45. Just pay.
46. Never harbour a grudge against your closest friends. Get it in the open. Argue and fight about it. Then move on with life.
47. Ignoring phone calls is rude.
48. The easiest way of doing it is often the most boring way. Challenge and excite yourself.
N.B. There is no number 3. I don't need to give a reason, there just isn't.
1. Carry these important instructions with you wherever you go
2. Playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas into the wee hours of the morning is not a good idea if you have work the following day.
But if you really have to play it, include lots of 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Fat Joe, Camstar and Slapdee
4. Know where and how to get a SIM Replacement...
5. Know how to say "Give me a cigarette" in at least 10 different languages
6. Never EVER say thank you afterward... that's just rude
7. There is never an excuse to NOT wear socks
8. If you ever have to attend to the call of nature and discover yourself without tissue or newspaper... sacrifice your socks...
9. Look right, look left, look right again...
10. If it's yellow and it has a mustache, it just wants your money
11. People have much better things to do than talk about you...
12. Never buy weed that's already been rolled. It's probably not weed.
13. If you ever want to succeed, you actually have to work at it.
14. If she dumps you, spend a year winning her heart back. After you get her back dump her the following week
15. Do it right now. Not tomorrow
16. Send all your uncles and aunties a text every two weeks.
17. Profit ni profit
18. If you're going to talk to a guy or girl you like, brush your teeth thoroughly .
19. Never fart when you're alone in an elevator. You will be gravely embarrassed at the next stop.
20. Don't argue with the conductor
21. Ten pin can solve almost any problem imaginable.
22. No matter how round and appealing it looks, don't grab it. You will lose your job or go to jail
23. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west
24. There's some words you just shouldn't say. Especially when you are drunk.
25 . Save water. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.
26. Warm clothing in cold weather. Self explanatory
27. Expect lots of negativity from around you as your successes begin to stack up
28. Know your bartender by first name.
29. Build a strong friendship with your superiors. Teachers, bosses, religious leaders, parents and senior family members.
30. If you don't know what you're talking about, you don't necessarily need to shut up. Just keep making your audience feel small and stupid. This is also the first rule of Stretch's Guide to Propaganda. But we shall tackle this another week.
31. There are some phone numbers you must always keep in your head. These include your significant other( spouse, girl/boyfriend), your parents, and a friend who is most likely to be holding a large quantity of cash on his person at any given time. Please note that this last individual is the most important person in your life. He is the difference between spending a weekend in jail and resuming a great night on the town.
32. There IS actually a cure for the common cold. It's 10 little yellow pills known as Piriton and they can be bought for as little as K500.
33. Size matters.
34. Dry lips aren't sexy.
35. Dancing alone in a nightclub doesn't mean you will die alone. It just means you're not the best dancer.
36. Make up for your shortcomings with mastery of your strengths
37. Not matter how much you shake and dance, the last drop always ends up in your pants. (Andrew Adams, thanks!)
38. You don't need to watch the game. Just find out the half time score, final score, and the scorers. Everyone will be fooled.
39. The herd is probably headed to an abattoir, en masse. You don't have to follow.
40. You don't need drugs, movies, alcohol, or novels to escape reality. Just good old-fashioned daydreaming.
41. Breakfast. Non-negotiable
42. Delicacy is another way of spelling gag reflex.
43. If you have to dumb down when talking to your significant other, the relationship is destined for failure.
44. If you walk from Kabwe roundabout to Kafue roundabout and complain of fatigue at any point, you are either very lazy or a very spoilt brat. Or, God forbid, both.
45. Just pay.
46. Never harbour a grudge against your closest friends. Get it in the open. Argue and fight about it. Then move on with life.
47. Ignoring phone calls is rude.
48. The easiest way of doing it is often the most boring way. Challenge and excite yourself.
N.B. There is no number 3. I don't need to give a reason, there just isn't.
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