Monday, 14 May 2012

profile: Bana ba Kongo


Bana ba Kongo is a collective of three very different Lusaka-based 20-somethings .  Founded in 2011, the groups music takes a very light-hearted approach to life and living.  Though very tempting to put the group down as a chiunda band, its nearly impossible to clearly define what musical genre Bana ba Kongo can be placed in, as the music is a fusion of many diverse genres. 
Just from the name (which, they insist, must be pronounced with hard ‘b’s!), there is absolutely nothing ordinary about this group.  The band’s music draws influences primarily from the work of contemporaries such as Mozegator, the Mimbulu Family and Ama Blax as well as Nasty D and the kalindula legends of the 80s and 90s.  Their sound, which is the brainchild of main producer Nkandu “stretch.dj” Kataya, is the final product of years of experimenting with different sounds such as house, kalindula, boostele, classic rock, hip-hop and dancehall. 

Freshmen (Ba Fresh)
Freshmen
Albert Njapau (real name Albert Njapau) hails from Chamba Valley in Lusaka, a quite fitting point of origin for the multi-talented singer/rapper. Anyone who knows "Ba Fresh" knows that his trademark is his incredible sense of humor. In the studio, Fresh is responsible for many of Bana Ba Kongo's insanely danceable drum patterns. Fresh has a fair amount of production experience working as Stretch's assistant during his time with  X.Y.Z Entertainment.  Fresh’s lyrical subject matter varies from side-splitting comedy to social commentary to catchy, feel-good call-and-responses.  On stage Fresh can fairly be called the most distinguished dancer of the three

One Billyon
One Billyon
Born Jilowa Wambilisome twenty years ago in Lusaka, Billy (as he is affectionately known) is a product of Mupapa School in Ndola. Billy's biggest strength lies in his versatility, counting song-writing and singing in all imaginable styles as his main threats. Billy can boom out a strong ragga hook, or something far more soulful and emotional at the drop of a hat. Coupled with his knack for creating concepts out of nothing, Billy hopes for a bright future in the game.  The happy-go-lucky University of Lusaka Commerce student counts Bob Marley and P.K. Chishala among his inspirations, and strongly admires the work of T-Sean and B Flow. 

Aubzee (Popo Fyuta)
Aubzee
If its not always his voice, its certainly his rhythms that are behind every BBK record.  Aubrey Chikoyo’s upbringing is rooted in music; his father being an accomplished guitar player.  During his school years in Kabwe, Aubzee and a group of friends were always to be found banging on drums and singing songs at every Kalonga High football match.  His ability on the drums can be heard on songs like “Bengi ba Baila” (where he collaborated  on production with cousin stretch.dj) and "Waluvyanya".  Known also as “Popo Fyuta” and “Red Panther”, Aubzee distinguishing mark lyrically is his poetic use of the Bemba language in his unique delivery, reminiscent of Shimba Boyd of Mimbulu Family in tone and Shimasta in terms of imagery. Metaphors and wordplay are his main staple as he adds to the group’s overall fresh sound.  

Bana first came on the scene late last year with their provocative Internet release ‘Lwimbo lwa Nsele’ which caused a major furor on the underground.  Despite not receiving any airplay (for obvious reasons) the group attracted attention from bar and pub owners, often being invited to perform a few tunes for their patrons. The feedback and response thus far has been encouraging, with many showering praise on the groups outlandish outfits and solid stage-work.  As of writing, Bana have all but wrapped up work on their yet-to-be-titled debut album set to hit shelves in July this year.

Bana Ba Kongo’s music is definitely a breath of fresh air in a Zambian music industry stifled with bubblegum music.  From day one, BBK have always strived to go back to the fundamentals and present a uniquely Zambian sound with a 21st century twist.  Despite the often edgy subject matter and sometimes unconventional approach to song structure, Bana believes that their music will keep people across the continent grooving for a long time to come!


Friday, 11 May 2012

#MampisHair

 Just a few of the best #MampisHair tweets from Thursday
(n.b. I really didn't mean anything malicious by this, just having a bit of fun... We are 100% behind you girl!)
    
    
#MampisHair now on @dstv channel 198

@Jackfro1 #stargame #Mampishair is fluent in 9 languages and is currently learning how to speak 'Am a very awful hair style' @stretchdj


@exquizzitz #MampisHair is the original dark continent #Stargame

@FrancisTandeo @BigBroAfrica we luv u mampi u

@Cutie_Cici Tbh if mampi came to aussie they'd search her hair for drugs n shit!! #realtalk #BorderSecurity

@mack_sqw33zy #mampi #mampi #mampi........wats with the hair????

@ThatBoiDutch Beats by Dre & now we got WEAVE by MAMPI ,..#mampishair

@Mwine_Filimu The President has commissioned a commission to look into #MampisHair

@stretchdj "@the_banda #MampisHair is the reason for global warming" #stargame

 @stretchdj @dowjones5 If you look closely you will see two elephants, a land rover and six midgets playing golf in #mampisHair #stargames

@stretchdj #Mampi was here #MampisHair http://pic.twitter.com/tUDmfQcy

@stretchdj Fraudulently obtaining K1bn from MTN ain't beeeg #MampisHair is BEEEEG!!!

 @exquizzitz “@Lalozie: #MampisHair just might be #Zambia's 11th province...” *buries self alive*

@Lalozie #MampisHair is the reason Phineas and Ferb were finally busted by Candace...

@velaruze Adams family finaly find a wife for Thing #mampishair

@exquizzitz #MampisHair is the reason there's so much congestion on Lusaka roads

@exquizzitz I'm going to sleep late and fail to get up early tomorrow because of #MampisHair

@The_Banda I bet the girl in this picture wishes she had #MampisHair ~~» http://pic.twitter.com/LfpwkP4Q

@velaruze Breaking News lady gaga loses prop latest whilst on tour #mampishair

@bnach92 @Miss_Bee90 Rapunzle Rapunzle let down #mampisHair

@velaruze If John Cena stands behind #mampishair .. Wat will he say? " U can't c me

@stretchdj #MampisHair > #MyasHair

@casbabie #Mampishair is so unbeweavable

@velaruze #mampishair hair can knock out Esther Phiri.

@stretchdj #MampisHair doubles as her back-up dancer

@Jaybzm #MampisHair can smell what The Rock is cookin'

@pumulokaywala RT @Excus3MyFrench: #mampishair is the inspiration behind Dandy Crazys #CHINTELELWE

@SaniboyMwale Let's have sex no #mampishair attached #dead

@Fuchsiaristic So am looking at myself in the mirror right and my weave says to me,When I grow up,I want to be like #MampisHair

@Chipochedu *dies... comes back to life... Then dies again* RT @geshgroove " pap in Zambia in english is called nshima " #Mampi #BigBrotherStarGames

@haksy89 Some say she can hide the Stig in it... Others say, astronauts are able to see it from space... All we know is, its called #MampisHair

@michstizzy Contrary to popular belief #MampisHair actually grew a human being;her name is Mampi,she is a singer & a contestant in the BBA7

@rebellion414 I bet you need a rake to comb #MampisHair

@Fuchsiaristic #Didyouknow #MampisHair originally belonged to Samson.

@stretchdj #MampisHair is going to be on the new currency

@Bradleychingobe Its easier for a camel to pass through an eye of a needle than to find a chigayo lost in #mampishair

@Hardy_LS @MCFC have sent Patrick Viera to sign #MampisHair for undisclosed fee rumoured to be in the range of $1,600 to $1,600,000

 @Hardy_LS #MampisHair fills my ......" tv http://twitpic.com/9jj7pc

@stretchdj George Lucas is rumoured to be interested in #MampisHair for the role of Chewbacca in the next Star Wars flick

@TwentyKwacha #MampisHair will sponsor MMD's national convention.

@Princess_Cobra #MampisHair can scare Chuck Norris

@stretchdj #BreakingNews Bigfoot has finally tracked down in Randburg, South Africa. #MampisHair

@stretchdj #MampisHair shot the sheriff

@stretchdj There is a conspiracy concerning #MampisHair and the Eurozone crisis

@Lalozie The 2.1bllion buried by Liato was change he got after buying #MampisHair

@luchi7 The tennis world is thinking of using #MampisHair as a playing surface after experimenting with blue clay

 @stretchdj #MampisHair only dates football players' hair ;)

@Hey_Mr_Lee #MampisHair was an extra in 'Willow Smith's - I whip my hair' video #TeamZambia

@stretchdj #MampisHair has its own diary session #TeamZambia

@stretchdj #MampisHair could feed a family of 6 for, I dunno, the better part of eternity :)

@stretchdj #MampisHair ghost wrote "Swilili"

@stretchdj the purchase of #MampisHair triggered a week of mayhem on the Lusaka Stock Exchange

@stretchdj #MampisHair has its own website

@stretchdj #MampisHair is the GDP of Malawi

@stretchdj hey @kryticismusic lets start a TT #MampisHair
  
5:24 PM - 10 May 12 via web · Details

Friday, 13 April 2012

Occupations

::| according to potty

Electrical Engineer - Cable Guy

Pharmacist - Drug Dealer (junkies please form an orderly queue behind the red line)

Fuel Attendant - Petroleum Products Transfer Technician

Quantity Surveyor - Brick Counter (really, thats what they do)

Accountant - Chartered Criminal

Journalist - Copy-and-Paste Robot

Singer/Rapper - Part-Time Sex Therapist (the amount of tail these guys get. smh)

Receptionist - Kachepa

Air Hostess - Why-Are-All-Of-You-Hotties?

Lawyer - Retailer of Expensive Latin Words

PA to the MD - The Real Boss (shout out to my big sis)

Doctor - Demi-god in White Coat

Stay-at-Home Dad - Loser (a spade is not a big spoon)

Barman - Can-I-Have-Two-Castle?

Conductor - Transport Officer (officer, may you kindly stop the omnibus and allow me to alight at Zesco)

Radio Jock - See "Singer/Rapper"

Teacher - Selfless Dispenser of Knowledge (you all deserve medals)

Policeman - Incompetence Wears Khaki

Footballer - A Costly Pair of Appendages

Jonisolyobwali - Domestic Affairs Officer

Gov't Minister - Revenue Consumption Expert

Nurse - Purveyor of Pain and Rudeness

Coach - Failed Athlete

First Year Female Student - Sperm Receptacle

Mechanical Engineer - Spanner Boy (granted, a very nerdy spanner boy)

ends |::

epic.stretch/updates 1.1

"believes Mayuka is worth more than what Porto are offering Kabwe Warriors. C'mon guys!" - August 8th 2008
 
"xenophobia, crime, cold nights, unforgiving courses, language difficulties, expensive cigarettes... someone please remind me why I came to South Africa!" - May 26th 2008
 
"deserves a lifetime under-acheivement award." - October 3rd 2008
 
"A good barometer of the awesomeness of a weekend is to go into stretch's bag and count the empty fag packets and jili sachets... I'm gunning for 30 jilis this weekend. I've paid my cab man in advance, lest i black the fuck out in Chibolya or something" - December 24th 2009
 
"‎**** I'm auctioning off my Facebook account**** We start the bidding at K100,000.... you may be wondering why it's of value? Well, you are afforded the opportunity to dig up 2 years and 8 months of inbox dirt on me" - December 17th 2009
 
"This industry has its price. I miss the days when we would ride busses instead of cabs, when we could walk anonymously into a tavern and get wasted on a budget. When girls weren't that interested...." - December 16th 2009
 
"I'm told there's 48km of cabling within the QFM building" - December 15th 2009

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Perfecto - Memory Kalima

What comes to your mind when you listen to B1's Perfecto? Or is it "Vipuba" as it is commonly known by the masses? Some men find the term "Vipuba" provocative; trust me, I would be too if I was a man... who would want to be called a fool? I know this is so clichè but what the heck! I might as well comment on the song.

Firstly, I must make mention that I am a staunch Zambian music fanatic and my friends would testify to this. If a song is good I'll definatly listen to it and I must commend our Zambian musicians for a job well done, Zambian music has taken a different dimension altogether, which is pretty good.

Back to the topic at hand: PERFECTO, Vipuba if you like. The song is okay really, but the first verse is somewhat offending to some women. Due to limited space I'll not write down the lyrics to the song. I bet most of you have probably heard the song a thousand times and you may have different opinions towards the song which is okay. In my opinion I think B1 was some how mocking women who choose to remain chaste and because of this some women will end up settling for less than they deserve, they'll hang on to cheating partners, they'll not speak out on abusive relationships etc. in the name of "Kulibe PERFECTO".
We all know that nobody is perfect, but that's no reason why men should start justifying their wrongs. I see some men openly cheating on their partners, abusing and battering them. Then later going back to them saying sorry I am not "Mr Perfecto", I am just a fool... Really!? That's some lame excuse if you ask me.

Some of you will reason with me, some of you won't, we are entitled to our own opinion after all. All in all, a word of advice; DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS, don't hang on to broken relationships, don't stay in abusive relationships just because you think no one is PERFECT. Know your worth and don't let anyone disrespect you. Choose your partner wisely, do not rush into relationships. And always seek for guidance from God and remember God's time is the best.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Stretch's Life Instruction Manual

[first published in August 2009]

1. Carry these important instructions with you wherever you go

2. Playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas into the wee hours of the morning is not a good idea if you have work the following day.
But if you really have to play it, include lots of 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Fat Joe, Camstar and Slapdee

4. Know where and how to get a SIM Replacement...

5. Know how to say "Give me a cigarette" in at least 10 different languages

6. Never EVER say thank you afterward... that's just rude

7. There is never an excuse to NOT wear socks

8. If you ever have to attend to the call of nature and discover yourself without tissue or newspaper... sacrifice your socks...

9. Look right, look left, look right again...

10. If it's yellow and it has a mustache, it just wants your money

11. People have much better things to do than talk about you...

12. Never buy weed that's already been rolled. It's probably not weed.

13. If you ever want to succeed, you actually have to work at it.

14. If she dumps you, spend a year winning her heart back. After you get her back dump her the following week

15. Do it right now. Not tomorrow

16. Send all your uncles and aunties a text every two weeks.

17. Profit ni profit

18. If you're going to talk to a guy or girl you like, brush your teeth thoroughly .

19. Never fart when you're alone in an elevator. You will be gravely embarrassed at the next stop.

20. Don't argue with the conductor

21. Ten pin can solve almost any problem imaginable.

22. No matter how round and appealing it looks, don't grab it. You will lose your job or go to jail

23. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west

24. There's some words you just shouldn't say. Especially when you are drunk.

25 . Save water. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.

26. Warm clothing in cold weather. Self explanatory

27. Expect lots of negativity from around you as your successes begin to stack up

28. Know your bartender by first name.

29. Build a strong friendship with your superiors. Teachers, bosses, religious leaders, parents and senior family members.

30. If you don't know what you're talking about, you don't necessarily need to shut up. Just keep making your audience feel small and stupid. This is also the first rule of Stretch's Guide to Propaganda. But we shall tackle this another week.

31. There are some phone numbers you must always keep in your head. These include your significant other( spouse, girl/boyfriend), your parents, and a friend who is most likely to be holding a large quantity of cash on his person at any given time. Please note that this last individual is the most important person in your life. He is the difference between spending a weekend in jail and resuming a great night on the town.

32. There IS actually a cure for the common cold. It's 10 little yellow pills known as Piriton and they can be bought for as little as K500.

33. Size matters.

34. Dry lips aren't sexy.

35. Dancing alone in a nightclub doesn't mean you will die alone. It just means you're not the best dancer.

36. Make up for your shortcomings with mastery of your strengths

37. Not matter how much you shake and dance, the last drop always ends up in your pants. (Andrew Adams, thanks!)

38. You don't need to watch the game. Just find out the half time score, final score, and the scorers. Everyone will be fooled.

39. The herd is probably headed to an abattoir, en masse. You don't have to follow.

40. You don't need drugs, movies, alcohol, or novels to escape reality. Just good old-fashioned daydreaming.

41. Breakfast. Non-negotiable

42. Delicacy is another way of spelling gag reflex.

43. If you have to dumb down when talking to your significant other, the relationship is destined for failure.

44. If you walk from Kabwe roundabout to Kafue roundabout and complain of fatigue at any point, you are either very lazy or a very spoilt brat. Or, God forbid, both.

45. Just pay.

46. Never harbour a grudge against your closest friends. Get it in the open. Argue and fight about it. Then move on with life.

47. Ignoring phone calls is rude.

48. The easiest way of doing it is often the most boring way. Challenge and excite yourself.

N.B. There is no number 3.  I don't need to give a reason, there just isn't.


Sunday, 8 April 2012

Easter!

Hope you had a blessed one, whatever you got up to this past weekend.  I'm not the most religious of people, but I thought it would be a good time to share my thoughts on religion at this time.

Firstly a brief background story, so that you have an idea of where I come from.  My late Father was devout Catholic and my mother is a baptised Jehovah's Witness who spends 30+ hours every month in active door-to-door preaching.  It was in this denominational mix that I grew up in, firstly attending mass with my dad until about 9 when I started congregating regularly with the Witnesses.  I wouldn't say Catholics and Witnesses are polar opposites, but they certainly do have gaping doctrinal differences which I won't go into for lack of space and time. What I will state is that it has a lot to do with my religious apathy.


What do we know?  History and archaeology tell us there was indeed a certain Jesus, son of Joseph of Nazareth, a Jew, who lived some 2000 years ago and traversed the land of Palestine for 3 years preaching a new lifestyle and way of life, gaining thousands of followers as a result before being put to death by the Jewish clergy and the Roman authorities for sedition. That is fact. 

What do we believe? Well, this is where things become a little bit trickier.  The Bible contains four books detailing the life and times of aforementioned Jesus the Christ.  There a lot of things that certainly raise the sceptics eyebrow: born of a virgin, healing the sick, raising the dead, feeding thousands on scraps of a bread and a few fish, executed and miraculously resurrected three days later and everything in between.  How much of that one literally believes is, in my opinion, a personal matter. 

There was once a point in life when I had completely given up on the concept of there being a God.  Thankfully, I don't share this view anymore.  I can't explain why I believe.  I can't say how much of the Bible is historical fact and I can't point out the exaggerations or the half-truths. 

A couple years ago the Ghanian writer Edem Djokotoe wrote a story in his usual column in the Post Newspaper. This was a time where the was a story making the rounds about a guy with a Hummer who was infecting girls with some very strange disease. Edem in his article pointed out that this was probably a fabricated story, but with a positive moral message i.e. ladies, your taste for the good life could cost you miserably. I've come to approach the Bible in a similar way.  I don't think its fair to pick every single detail and say such-and-such miracle or occurrence is scientifically impossible.  As a whole, as a book that teaches us a lot about how we ought to live our lives, its a great work. 

Jesus famously once talked about rich people and camels and needles (Matthew 19:24) and entering the Kingdom of the heavens.  This to me is and will always be an extremely important Scripture for the cause of Christianity.  I think what the man meant was (and this is very abstract): knowing human nature, when things are good we don't feel like we need any help at all.  But when things start to go south, we become very prayerful and remember God.  And its not necessarily physical riches or material wealth.  It could be health or happiness or a whole bunch of things.  When we have those things, we feel contentedly invincible.  Take one away and we very quickly remember our Creator.  As such, it is difficult for a physically content person to be overly religious and spiritual in his outlook.

I hope I've made a little sense in this.  I'm still tryna really get the hang of this whole writing thing.  Please remember to pray and to be good to the people around you.