::| according to potty
Electrical Engineer - Cable Guy
Pharmacist - Drug Dealer (junkies please form an orderly queue behind the red line)
Fuel Attendant - Petroleum Products Transfer Technician
Quantity Surveyor - Brick Counter (really, thats what they do)
Accountant - Chartered Criminal
Journalist - Copy-and-Paste Robot
Singer/Rapper - Part-Time Sex Therapist (the amount of tail these guys get. smh)
Receptionist - Kachepa
Air Hostess - Why-Are-All-Of-You-Hotties?
Lawyer - Retailer of Expensive Latin Words
PA to the MD - The Real Boss (shout out to my big sis)
Doctor - Demi-god in White Coat
Stay-at-Home Dad - Loser (a spade is not a big spoon)
Barman - Can-I-Have-Two-Castle?
Conductor - Transport Officer (officer, may you kindly stop the omnibus and allow me to alight at Zesco)
Radio Jock - See "Singer/Rapper"
Teacher - Selfless Dispenser of Knowledge (you all deserve medals)
Policeman - Incompetence Wears Khaki
Footballer - A Costly Pair of Appendages
Jonisolyobwali - Domestic Affairs Officer
Gov't Minister - Revenue Consumption Expert
Nurse - Purveyor of Pain and Rudeness
Coach - Failed Athlete
First Year Female Student - Sperm Receptacle
Mechanical Engineer - Spanner Boy (granted, a very nerdy spanner boy)
ends |::
Friday, 13 April 2012
epic.stretch/updates 1.1
"believes Mayuka is worth more than what Porto are offering Kabwe Warriors. C'mon guys!" - August 8th 2008
"xenophobia, crime, cold nights, unforgiving courses, language difficulties, expensive cigarettes... someone please remind me why I came to South Africa!" - May 26th 2008
"deserves a lifetime under-acheivement award." - October 3rd 2008
"A good barometer of the awesomeness of a weekend is to go into stretch's bag and count the empty fag packets and jili sachets... I'm gunning for 30 jilis this weekend. I've paid my cab man in advance, lest i black the fuck out in Chibolya or something" - December 24th 2009
"**** I'm auctioning off my Facebook account**** We start the bidding at K100,000.... you may be wondering why it's of value? Well, you are afforded the opportunity to dig up 2 years and 8 months of inbox dirt on me" - December 17th 2009
"This industry has its price. I miss the days when we would ride busses instead of cabs, when we could walk anonymously into a tavern and get wasted on a budget. When girls weren't that interested...." - December 16th 2009
"I'm told there's 48km of cabling within the QFM building" - December 15th 2009
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Perfecto - Memory Kalima
What comes to your mind when you listen to B1's Perfecto? Or is it
"Vipuba" as it is commonly known by the masses? Some men find the term
"Vipuba" provocative; trust me, I would be too if I was a man... who would
want to be called a fool? I know this is so clichè but what the heck! I
might as well comment on the song.
Firstly, I must make mention that I am a staunch Zambian music fanatic and my friends would testify to this. If a song is good I'll definatly listen to it and I must commend our Zambian musicians for a job well done, Zambian music has taken a different dimension altogether, which is pretty good.
Back to the topic at hand: PERFECTO, Vipuba if you like. The song is okay really, but the first verse is somewhat offending to some women. Due to limited space I'll not write down the lyrics to the song. I bet most of you have probably heard the song a thousand times and you may have different opinions towards the song which is okay. In my opinion I think B1 was some how mocking women who choose to remain chaste and because of this some women will end up settling for less than they deserve, they'll hang on to cheating partners, they'll not speak out on abusive relationships etc. in the name of "Kulibe PERFECTO".
We all know that nobody is perfect, but that's no reason why men should start justifying their wrongs. I see some men openly cheating on their partners, abusing and battering them. Then later going back to them saying sorry I am not "Mr Perfecto", I am just a fool... Really!? That's some lame excuse if you ask me.
Some of you will reason with me, some of you won't, we are entitled to our own opinion after all. All in all, a word of advice; DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS, don't hang on to broken relationships, don't stay in abusive relationships just because you think no one is PERFECT. Know your worth and don't let anyone disrespect you. Choose your partner wisely, do not rush into relationships. And always seek for guidance from God and remember God's time is the best.
Firstly, I must make mention that I am a staunch Zambian music fanatic and my friends would testify to this. If a song is good I'll definatly listen to it and I must commend our Zambian musicians for a job well done, Zambian music has taken a different dimension altogether, which is pretty good.
Back to the topic at hand: PERFECTO, Vipuba if you like. The song is okay really, but the first verse is somewhat offending to some women. Due to limited space I'll not write down the lyrics to the song. I bet most of you have probably heard the song a thousand times and you may have different opinions towards the song which is okay. In my opinion I think B1 was some how mocking women who choose to remain chaste and because of this some women will end up settling for less than they deserve, they'll hang on to cheating partners, they'll not speak out on abusive relationships etc. in the name of "Kulibe PERFECTO".
We all know that nobody is perfect, but that's no reason why men should start justifying their wrongs. I see some men openly cheating on their partners, abusing and battering them. Then later going back to them saying sorry I am not "Mr Perfecto", I am just a fool... Really!? That's some lame excuse if you ask me.
Some of you will reason with me, some of you won't, we are entitled to our own opinion after all. All in all, a word of advice; DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS, don't hang on to broken relationships, don't stay in abusive relationships just because you think no one is PERFECT. Know your worth and don't let anyone disrespect you. Choose your partner wisely, do not rush into relationships. And always seek for guidance from God and remember God's time is the best.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Stretch's Life Instruction Manual
[first published in August 2009]
1. Carry these important instructions with you wherever you go
2. Playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas into the wee hours of the morning is not a good idea if you have work the following day.
But if you really have to play it, include lots of 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Fat Joe, Camstar and Slapdee
4. Know where and how to get a SIM Replacement...
5. Know how to say "Give me a cigarette" in at least 10 different languages
6. Never EVER say thank you afterward... that's just rude
7. There is never an excuse to NOT wear socks
8. If you ever have to attend to the call of nature and discover yourself without tissue or newspaper... sacrifice your socks...
9. Look right, look left, look right again...
10. If it's yellow and it has a mustache, it just wants your money
11. People have much better things to do than talk about you...
12. Never buy weed that's already been rolled. It's probably not weed.
13. If you ever want to succeed, you actually have to work at it.
14. If she dumps you, spend a year winning her heart back. After you get her back dump her the following week
15. Do it right now. Not tomorrow
16. Send all your uncles and aunties a text every two weeks.
17. Profit ni profit
18. If you're going to talk to a guy or girl you like, brush your teeth thoroughly .
19. Never fart when you're alone in an elevator. You will be gravely embarrassed at the next stop.
20. Don't argue with the conductor
21. Ten pin can solve almost any problem imaginable.
22. No matter how round and appealing it looks, don't grab it. You will lose your job or go to jail
23. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west
24. There's some words you just shouldn't say. Especially when you are drunk.
25 . Save water. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.
26. Warm clothing in cold weather. Self explanatory
27. Expect lots of negativity from around you as your successes begin to stack up
28. Know your bartender by first name.
29. Build a strong friendship with your superiors. Teachers, bosses, religious leaders, parents and senior family members.
30. If you don't know what you're talking about, you don't necessarily need to shut up. Just keep making your audience feel small and stupid. This is also the first rule of Stretch's Guide to Propaganda. But we shall tackle this another week.
31. There are some phone numbers you must always keep in your head. These include your significant other( spouse, girl/boyfriend), your parents, and a friend who is most likely to be holding a large quantity of cash on his person at any given time. Please note that this last individual is the most important person in your life. He is the difference between spending a weekend in jail and resuming a great night on the town.
32. There IS actually a cure for the common cold. It's 10 little yellow pills known as Piriton and they can be bought for as little as K500.
33. Size matters.
34. Dry lips aren't sexy.
35. Dancing alone in a nightclub doesn't mean you will die alone. It just means you're not the best dancer.
36. Make up for your shortcomings with mastery of your strengths
37. Not matter how much you shake and dance, the last drop always ends up in your pants. (Andrew Adams, thanks!)
38. You don't need to watch the game. Just find out the half time score, final score, and the scorers. Everyone will be fooled.
39. The herd is probably headed to an abattoir, en masse. You don't have to follow.
40. You don't need drugs, movies, alcohol, or novels to escape reality. Just good old-fashioned daydreaming.
41. Breakfast. Non-negotiable
42. Delicacy is another way of spelling gag reflex.
43. If you have to dumb down when talking to your significant other, the relationship is destined for failure.
44. If you walk from Kabwe roundabout to Kafue roundabout and complain of fatigue at any point, you are either very lazy or a very spoilt brat. Or, God forbid, both.
45. Just pay.
46. Never harbour a grudge against your closest friends. Get it in the open. Argue and fight about it. Then move on with life.
47. Ignoring phone calls is rude.
48. The easiest way of doing it is often the most boring way. Challenge and excite yourself.
N.B. There is no number 3. I don't need to give a reason, there just isn't.
1. Carry these important instructions with you wherever you go
2. Playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas into the wee hours of the morning is not a good idea if you have work the following day.
But if you really have to play it, include lots of 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Fat Joe, Camstar and Slapdee
4. Know where and how to get a SIM Replacement...
5. Know how to say "Give me a cigarette" in at least 10 different languages
6. Never EVER say thank you afterward... that's just rude
7. There is never an excuse to NOT wear socks
8. If you ever have to attend to the call of nature and discover yourself without tissue or newspaper... sacrifice your socks...
9. Look right, look left, look right again...
10. If it's yellow and it has a mustache, it just wants your money
11. People have much better things to do than talk about you...
12. Never buy weed that's already been rolled. It's probably not weed.
13. If you ever want to succeed, you actually have to work at it.
14. If she dumps you, spend a year winning her heart back. After you get her back dump her the following week
15. Do it right now. Not tomorrow
16. Send all your uncles and aunties a text every two weeks.
17. Profit ni profit
18. If you're going to talk to a guy or girl you like, brush your teeth thoroughly .
19. Never fart when you're alone in an elevator. You will be gravely embarrassed at the next stop.
20. Don't argue with the conductor
21. Ten pin can solve almost any problem imaginable.
22. No matter how round and appealing it looks, don't grab it. You will lose your job or go to jail
23. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west
24. There's some words you just shouldn't say. Especially when you are drunk.
25 . Save water. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.
26. Warm clothing in cold weather. Self explanatory
27. Expect lots of negativity from around you as your successes begin to stack up
28. Know your bartender by first name.
29. Build a strong friendship with your superiors. Teachers, bosses, religious leaders, parents and senior family members.
30. If you don't know what you're talking about, you don't necessarily need to shut up. Just keep making your audience feel small and stupid. This is also the first rule of Stretch's Guide to Propaganda. But we shall tackle this another week.
31. There are some phone numbers you must always keep in your head. These include your significant other( spouse, girl/boyfriend), your parents, and a friend who is most likely to be holding a large quantity of cash on his person at any given time. Please note that this last individual is the most important person in your life. He is the difference between spending a weekend in jail and resuming a great night on the town.
32. There IS actually a cure for the common cold. It's 10 little yellow pills known as Piriton and they can be bought for as little as K500.
33. Size matters.
34. Dry lips aren't sexy.
35. Dancing alone in a nightclub doesn't mean you will die alone. It just means you're not the best dancer.
36. Make up for your shortcomings with mastery of your strengths
37. Not matter how much you shake and dance, the last drop always ends up in your pants. (Andrew Adams, thanks!)
38. You don't need to watch the game. Just find out the half time score, final score, and the scorers. Everyone will be fooled.
39. The herd is probably headed to an abattoir, en masse. You don't have to follow.
40. You don't need drugs, movies, alcohol, or novels to escape reality. Just good old-fashioned daydreaming.
41. Breakfast. Non-negotiable
42. Delicacy is another way of spelling gag reflex.
43. If you have to dumb down when talking to your significant other, the relationship is destined for failure.
44. If you walk from Kabwe roundabout to Kafue roundabout and complain of fatigue at any point, you are either very lazy or a very spoilt brat. Or, God forbid, both.
45. Just pay.
46. Never harbour a grudge against your closest friends. Get it in the open. Argue and fight about it. Then move on with life.
47. Ignoring phone calls is rude.
48. The easiest way of doing it is often the most boring way. Challenge and excite yourself.
N.B. There is no number 3. I don't need to give a reason, there just isn't.
Sunday, 8 April 2012
Easter!
Hope you had a blessed one, whatever you got up to this past weekend. I'm not the most religious of people, but I thought it would be a good time to share my thoughts on religion at this time.
Firstly a brief background story, so that you have an idea of where I come from. My late Father was devout Catholic and my mother is a baptised Jehovah's Witness who spends 30+ hours every month in active door-to-door preaching. It was in this denominational mix that I grew up in, firstly attending mass with my dad until about 9 when I started congregating regularly with the Witnesses. I wouldn't say Catholics and Witnesses are polar opposites, but they certainly do have gaping doctrinal differences which I won't go into for lack of space and time. What I will state is that it has a lot to do with my religious apathy.
What do we know? History and archaeology tell us there was indeed a certain Jesus, son of Joseph of Nazareth, a Jew, who lived some 2000 years ago and traversed the land of Palestine for 3 years preaching a new lifestyle and way of life, gaining thousands of followers as a result before being put to death by the Jewish clergy and the Roman authorities for sedition. That is fact.
What do we believe? Well, this is where things become a little bit trickier. The Bible contains four books detailing the life and times of aforementioned Jesus the Christ. There a lot of things that certainly raise the sceptics eyebrow: born of a virgin, healing the sick, raising the dead, feeding thousands on scraps of a bread and a few fish, executed and miraculously resurrected three days later and everything in between. How much of that one literally believes is, in my opinion, a personal matter.
There was once a point in life when I had completely given up on the concept of there being a God. Thankfully, I don't share this view anymore. I can't explain why I believe. I can't say how much of the Bible is historical fact and I can't point out the exaggerations or the half-truths.
A couple years ago the Ghanian writer Edem Djokotoe wrote a story in his usual column in the Post Newspaper. This was a time where the was a story making the rounds about a guy with a Hummer who was infecting girls with some very strange disease. Edem in his article pointed out that this was probably a fabricated story, but with a positive moral message i.e. ladies, your taste for the good life could cost you miserably. I've come to approach the Bible in a similar way. I don't think its fair to pick every single detail and say such-and-such miracle or occurrence is scientifically impossible. As a whole, as a book that teaches us a lot about how we ought to live our lives, its a great work.
Jesus famously once talked about rich people and camels and needles (Matthew 19:24) and entering the Kingdom of the heavens. This to me is and will always be an extremely important Scripture for the cause of Christianity. I think what the man meant was (and this is very abstract): knowing human nature, when things are good we don't feel like we need any help at all. But when things start to go south, we become very prayerful and remember God. And its not necessarily physical riches or material wealth. It could be health or happiness or a whole bunch of things. When we have those things, we feel contentedly invincible. Take one away and we very quickly remember our Creator. As such, it is difficult for a physically content person to be overly religious and spiritual in his outlook.
I hope I've made a little sense in this. I'm still tryna really get the hang of this whole writing thing. Please remember to pray and to be good to the people around you.
Firstly a brief background story, so that you have an idea of where I come from. My late Father was devout Catholic and my mother is a baptised Jehovah's Witness who spends 30+ hours every month in active door-to-door preaching. It was in this denominational mix that I grew up in, firstly attending mass with my dad until about 9 when I started congregating regularly with the Witnesses. I wouldn't say Catholics and Witnesses are polar opposites, but they certainly do have gaping doctrinal differences which I won't go into for lack of space and time. What I will state is that it has a lot to do with my religious apathy.
What do we know? History and archaeology tell us there was indeed a certain Jesus, son of Joseph of Nazareth, a Jew, who lived some 2000 years ago and traversed the land of Palestine for 3 years preaching a new lifestyle and way of life, gaining thousands of followers as a result before being put to death by the Jewish clergy and the Roman authorities for sedition. That is fact.
What do we believe? Well, this is where things become a little bit trickier. The Bible contains four books detailing the life and times of aforementioned Jesus the Christ. There a lot of things that certainly raise the sceptics eyebrow: born of a virgin, healing the sick, raising the dead, feeding thousands on scraps of a bread and a few fish, executed and miraculously resurrected three days later and everything in between. How much of that one literally believes is, in my opinion, a personal matter.
There was once a point in life when I had completely given up on the concept of there being a God. Thankfully, I don't share this view anymore. I can't explain why I believe. I can't say how much of the Bible is historical fact and I can't point out the exaggerations or the half-truths.
A couple years ago the Ghanian writer Edem Djokotoe wrote a story in his usual column in the Post Newspaper. This was a time where the was a story making the rounds about a guy with a Hummer who was infecting girls with some very strange disease. Edem in his article pointed out that this was probably a fabricated story, but with a positive moral message i.e. ladies, your taste for the good life could cost you miserably. I've come to approach the Bible in a similar way. I don't think its fair to pick every single detail and say such-and-such miracle or occurrence is scientifically impossible. As a whole, as a book that teaches us a lot about how we ought to live our lives, its a great work.
Jesus famously once talked about rich people and camels and needles (Matthew 19:24) and entering the Kingdom of the heavens. This to me is and will always be an extremely important Scripture for the cause of Christianity. I think what the man meant was (and this is very abstract): knowing human nature, when things are good we don't feel like we need any help at all. But when things start to go south, we become very prayerful and remember God. And its not necessarily physical riches or material wealth. It could be health or happiness or a whole bunch of things. When we have those things, we feel contentedly invincible. Take one away and we very quickly remember our Creator. As such, it is difficult for a physically content person to be overly religious and spiritual in his outlook.
I hope I've made a little sense in this. I'm still tryna really get the hang of this whole writing thing. Please remember to pray and to be good to the people around you.
Saturday, 7 April 2012
A Quick Note on Journalism
I feel its worth mentioning in passing the falling standards of journalism. I have worked in the private media for a little while, and I'm fairly familiar with the workings of the profession.
One of my biggest concerns are the lack of originality in reporting in our media. I always get the impression that there's a template that all students are given on their first day of journalism class on how to write a news item.
How many times have you heard the following?
Thats just a handful of the opening lines that make me cringe everytime I hear them.
I'm also very worried about what seems to me like unobjective reporting from the Zambian Watchdog . Watchdog needs to realise they are one of the very few online publications and Zambians in the diaspora rely on them almost daily for accurate news from back home. I really have doubts as to these claims:
Like I said earlier, I have interacted with journalists like Costa Mwansa, David Bweupe, Joe Chilaizya and Alexander Musokotwane. I wonder what their opinions on Watchdog are.
In the same vein, the grammatical and spelling errors in our newspapers and online publications are really a crying shame. I'm really not trying to nit-pick but its embarassing to us as a nation to have such glaring errors in daily national papers.
There's my 2 ng'wee
One of my biggest concerns are the lack of originality in reporting in our media. I always get the impression that there's a template that all students are given on their first day of journalism class on how to write a news item.
How many times have you heard the following?
"Scores of Lusaka resident today witnessed..."
"Republican President ..."
"Works at [insert name of company] today ground to a halt when [specify problem]..."
"Police in [insert city name] have arrested ...."
"The Drug Enforcement Comission (D.E.C)..."
(really, what's the point of mentioning an acronym of an organisation we are all familiar with? FAZ is another victim)
Thats just a handful of the opening lines that make me cringe everytime I hear them.
I'm also very worried about what seems to me like unobjective reporting from the Zambian Watchdog . Watchdog needs to realise they are one of the very few online publications and Zambians in the diaspora rely on them almost daily for accurate news from back home. I really have doubts as to these claims:
Who we are
The Zambian Watchdog is owned by private Zambian journalists.
What we do
We publish breaking news on Zambia and about Zambia on a 24 hour basis. We also publish investigative special reports. At times we aggregate news carried by local media.
Our guiding principle
We write news regardless of who or what the subject is. We fear no one. We favour no one.
Like I said earlier, I have interacted with journalists like Costa Mwansa, David Bweupe, Joe Chilaizya and Alexander Musokotwane. I wonder what their opinions on Watchdog are.
In the same vein, the grammatical and spelling errors in our newspapers and online publications are really a crying shame. I'm really not trying to nit-pick but its embarassing to us as a nation to have such glaring errors in daily national papers.
There's my 2 ng'wee
Study Break Music
I've been listening to a lot of different music the past week.
It started with the song they play during the champagne celebration at the end of each F1 race. I googled it a couple years back and discovered it was composed by a French dude called Georges Bizet... It was the prelude to a quite famous work of his called Carmen. I spent some time trying to download the mp3, which i eventually succeded in getting. But in the the process I was led to discover Montserrat Caballet, a very talented Spanish vocalist who was responsible for the beautiful delivery of Habanera in that exact same opera. Her prolific career as an operatic singer led her to work in later years with Freddie Mercury (who I really like) of Queen, particularly on the song 'Barcelona' (which was actually used as the theme song for the '92 Barcelona Olympics after Mercury's demise of AIDS). Interestingly I've known of Freddie Mercury for forever, and I remember the Barcelona song from childhood, but I had never heard of Caballe. Turns out she had quite an illustrious career. If I'm not mistaken she's still alive somewhere.
What really woke me up was all the Queen material I found on YouTube. I watched some of the band's best performances including the famous Live Aid Concert at Wembley in London 1985. They were truly great performers, and I think a lot of guys in entertainment can take a leaf from those incredible bunch of guys. Take some time to click the link above and watch the video. There's a reason the call it the world wide web. Everything is connected, and you can go from here to anywhere with a click of the mouse. You know how YouTube is, with the suggestions on the side of the page you click another video of interest and so on and so forth ad infinitum.
Eventually I found myself in 1969 at the famous Woodstock concert. And for the second time in my life I listened to Jimi Hendrix rendition of "the Star-Spangled Banner". My first impression of the piece when I watched it a couple years ago, were simply that it was the over-artistic attempts by a long-haired junkie to create an edgy and non-conventional travesty of the national anthem of his country on the least likely of instruments. I really was not impressed.
But strangely (and for a reason that was until not so long incomprehensible to myself), that one performance of that one song has been hailed as one of the greatest musical performances of history. So, this time I sat down and actually bothered to do a little background research as to what exactly the funny looking black man with the upside-down guitar was trying to achieve with his whining guitar. My research, as it turns out, revealed that Mr. Hendrix actually enlisted in the US Army in 1961 and served a year in the 101st Airborne Division, before being discharged for being, effectively, a lazy bum. Simultaneous to that historic concert in upstate New York, the American nation was at war in a far-far away place in Asia known as Vietnam. Fighting age American soldiers were being conscripted into service of their country against the ugly communist threat. Many were dying. The government was fighting an unpopular war; the American people were quite understandably and for lack of a more concise phrase, pissed-off. And needed an escape. And that they found with things like the hippie movement, drugs and of course, music. In fact the concert was billed as "An Aquarian Exposition in White Lake, NY ... 3 days of peace & music". Indeed turbulent times in the United States, and it was against this backdrop that James Marshall Allen Hendrix stepped onto stage on the 18th day of August.
Hendrix begins the piece with the usual familiar first strains "oh say can you see" ... and proceeds to play the familiar tune, with-out much deviation from the original. Upon reaching the line where the lyrics would ordinarily read "and the rockets red glare... the bombs bursting in air" Hendrix proceeds to turn his guitar into an unearthly synthesizer, replicating the chaos of the war in Vietnam replete with dropping bombs, airplane sounds and explosions. The emotion on his face really is amazing. The most definitive moment of the whole piece for me is where he plays a few bars from "Taps" which is the slow haunting bugle melody played for departed soldiers being laid to rest in the US military.
Genius.
I wish I was there, really. Not to party, no. I'm told that the four day Woodstock concert was at some points nothing more than a big drug convention. But I wish I was there to see that one magic moment of music history. Alas, I was born many years too late in an African country far away.
But some people don't get rock. And its perfectly understandable, I guess. To each his own. So there's some of the stuff that kept me busy the past five days. Take some time to click on the links. Open your minds! Cheers guys!
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