Stretch's Life Instruction Manual

[first published in August 2009]

1. Carry these important instructions with you wherever you go

2. Playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas into the wee hours of the morning is not a good idea if you have work the following day.
But if you really have to play it, include lots of 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Fat Joe, Camstar and Slapdee

4. Know where and how to get a SIM Replacement...

5. Know how to say "Give me a cigarette" in at least 10 different languages

6. Never EVER say thank you afterward... that's just rude

7. There is never an excuse to NOT wear socks

8. If you ever have to attend to the call of nature and discover yourself without tissue or newspaper... sacrifice your socks...

9. Look right, look left, look right again...

10. If it's yellow and it has a mustache, it just wants your money

11. People have much better things to do than talk about you...

12. Never buy weed that's already been rolled. It's probably not weed.

13. If you ever want to succeed, you actually have to work at it.

14. If she dumps you, spend a year winning her heart back. After you get her back dump her the following week

15. Do it right now. Not tomorrow

16. Send all your uncles and aunties a text every two weeks.

17. Profit ni profit

18. If you're going to talk to a guy or girl you like, brush your teeth thoroughly .

19. Never fart when you're alone in an elevator. You will be gravely embarrassed at the next stop.

20. Don't argue with the conductor

21. Ten pin can solve almost any problem imaginable.

22. No matter how round and appealing it looks, don't grab it. You will lose your job or go to jail

23. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west

24. There's some words you just shouldn't say. Especially when you are drunk.

25 . Save water. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.

26. Warm clothing in cold weather. Self explanatory

27. Expect lots of negativity from around you as your successes begin to stack up

28. Know your bartender by first name.

29. Build a strong friendship with your superiors. Teachers, bosses, religious leaders, parents and senior family members.

30. If you don't know what you're talking about, you don't necessarily need to shut up. Just keep making your audience feel small and stupid. This is also the first rule of Stretch's Guide to Propaganda. But we shall tackle this another week.

31. There are some phone numbers you must always keep in your head. These include your significant other( spouse, girl/boyfriend), your parents, and a friend who is most likely to be holding a large quantity of cash on his person at any given time. Please note that this last individual is the most important person in your life. He is the difference between spending a weekend in jail and resuming a great night on the town.

32. There IS actually a cure for the common cold. It's 10 little yellow pills known as Piriton and they can be bought for as little as K500.

33. Size matters.

34. Dry lips aren't sexy.

35. Dancing alone in a nightclub doesn't mean you will die alone. It just means you're not the best dancer.

36. Make up for your shortcomings with mastery of your strengths

37. Not matter how much you shake and dance, the last drop always ends up in your pants. (Andrew Adams, thanks!)

38. You don't need to watch the game. Just find out the half time score, final score, and the scorers. Everyone will be fooled.

39. The herd is probably headed to an abattoir, en masse. You don't have to follow.

40. You don't need drugs, movies, alcohol, or novels to escape reality. Just good old-fashioned daydreaming.

41. Breakfast. Non-negotiable

42. Delicacy is another way of spelling gag reflex.

43. If you have to dumb down when talking to your significant other, the relationship is destined for failure.

44. If you walk from Kabwe roundabout to Kafue roundabout and complain of fatigue at any point, you are either very lazy or a very spoilt brat. Or, God forbid, both.

45. Just pay.

46. Never harbour a grudge against your closest friends. Get it in the open. Argue and fight about it. Then move on with life.

47. Ignoring phone calls is rude.

48. The easiest way of doing it is often the most boring way. Challenge and excite yourself.

N.B. There is no number 3.  I don't need to give a reason, there just isn't.