7 Reasons Not To Underestimate Zambia At AFCON 13

I was unable to catch this week’s edition of Soccer Africa on Supersport, but I did follow proceedings on Twitter.  Before even a single ball has been kicked, many are of the opinion that Zambia will not see themselves out of group C, which also features Ethiopia, Nigeria and Burkina Faso.  Here’s 7 reasons why they are wrong:

Attacking philosophy.  Many have said that this year’s success in Gabon was down to luck.  On the contrary, the unprecedented triumph in Libreville was the result of free-flowing, direct football.  Quick transitions between defense and attack were a hallmark of epic victories against Senegal and Ghana.  The Chipolopolo leave the bus where it belongs: in the parking lot.

Cohesion.  The current Zambia squad has come up from the youth ranks and are a close-knit unit.  Many have said that the lack of big names discounts them from the ranks of real contenders.  But consider this:  the heart of the Zambian starting XI team play together week-in-week out at Tout Puissant Mazembe in the Democratic Republic of Congo.  The transition from club to country duties is therefore seamless.

Home ground advantage.  Johannesburg is a mere two hour flight from Lusaka, and there are a significant number of Zambians living in South Africa.  During the group stages, Mbombela Stadium will be packed to the rafters with the Chipolopolo faithful.  Expect a lot of support from the host nation, as regional allegiance will certainly come into play.

Game changers.  Rainford Kalaba is the undisputed midfield general.  He makes up for his relatively diminutive stature with sublime ball skills, super-human work-rate and a special knack for the dead ball.  A specialist in collecting the ball deep and efficient distribution with visionary through balls that leave defenses baffled.  Also known to be a deadly finisher given half a chance.

Defense.  The twin-tower pairing of TP Mazembe centre backs Hichani Himonde and Stophila Sunzu are not known to give the opposition much room to create opportunities.  Behind them are a very safe pair of hands in Kennedy Mweene, the vocal and enthusiastic Free State Stars goal-minder who many have touted to take over the Zambia captaincy in the near future

Leadership.  The talismanic Christopher Katongo is every coaches dream captain.  Even on a bad day, his mere presence in the squad inspires confidence in his teammates.  Katongo is composed in front of goal and will punish any slack defensive work.  Chris is comfortable playing out wide on the right, and is known to drop deep to collect balls from his own half to orchestrate a Zambian attack.

Self-belief.   The class of 2012 shrugged off the “underdog” tag the entire world pinned on them and walked away with an historic maiden Nations Cup title.  Undoubtedly the boys will want to silence all critics for good at next years tournament.  Many players in the current squad play in Africa or minor European leagues and will be looking to have an impressive tournament so as to boost their professional careers, fully knowing scouts will be in the stands watching.  This will certainly present a problem for the so called “big names” of African football

Ignore the defending champions at your own peril!

I'm listening to stretch.dj in Hulkshare:

I'm listening to stretch.dj in Hulkshare:

A National Moaning

On the 19^th of September we were shocked to learn that Mama Betty Kaunda, wife of first Republican President Dr. Kenneth Kaunda had died in her sleep in neighbouring Zimbabwe.  News of her death was rightly received with shock, with many Zambians taking to social media to express their sadness at losing a true mother of the nation.  The Government subsequently announced a period of national mourning for the late heroine which has now been extended to Friday the 28^th of September following Dr. Kaunda’s taking ill over the weekend.  As we await our founding fathers recovery from hospital in readiness for Mama Betty’s state funeral on Firday, I thought I’d share a couple thoughts on the concept of periods of national mourning.

The presidential announcement concerning a period of national mourning usually states the duration of the period and the directive that “all flags shall fly at half mast and activities of an entertainment nature should be postponed or cancelled”.  I totally agree with the principle of respecting the memories of the dead, especially when, as in Mama Betty’s case, they have lead an exemplary life and have contributed to the general well-being of the nation.  My quarrel is with the length of a period of national mourning and its effects on the lives of some sections of society.  Being an entertainer and having a background in the private media, I am strongly of the opinion that too long a period of national mourning is retrogressive.  With the instruction to play solemn music throughout the day, radio stations often have to adjust their content to adhere to this directive.  This often involves a change in delivery format or indeed cancellation of sponsored programmes often from large corporate advertisers who often have paid up for their broadcast time in advance.  As to how this issue is addressed between the broadcasters and the advertisers I can only guess, as such issues were beyond my pay grade. The long periods of national mourning also have a negative impact on our musicians and promoters who may have to cancel or postpone a long planned-for show in some distant corner of the country.   After spending money on advertising a promoter or club owner has to bear the financial burden of the loss.

A quick Wikipedia search gave me an indication as to how other countries periods of national mourning… You too can have a read here.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_day_of_mourning In summary though, it seems the Americans only declare a single day of national mourning for late presidents on the day of their state funerals.  Nations in Europe will declare a single day in the case of the highest of high-profile deaths (Lady Diana Spencer and Israeli Yitzhak Rabin got a single day each!) and in the instances of a fairly large tragedy in which many are killed.  Here in Africa it seems the bigger is better, the higher the profile, the greater the duration of a period of national mourning.  In 2008 we saw an unprecedented 3 weeks of national mourning declared for then-president Levy Mwanawasa. 

Inasmuch as we need to honour our departed leaders, let us look pragmatically at the whole concept of national mourning, and not turn it into a meaningless and irrelevant tradition with no real benefit to the nation.  I felt the need to write this piece in order to give a voice to what many have discussed quietly amongst themselves but seem to be too scared or ashamed to say out loud. Rest in Peace Mama Betty, we have lost a symbol of all that is good in Zambian society.

Listen to Bana ba Kongo - Ngelengede feat. Eazy [produced by stretch.dj] on Hulkshare - Free Music Streaming & Download

Listen to Bana ba Kongo - Ngelengede feat. Eazy [produced by stretch.dj] on Hulkshare - Free Music Streaming & Download

Making "Ngelengede"

Just a couple of notes about the making of the song.

When I got into Lusaka early June, I linked up with the boys at UNZA Student Centre.  We got drunk, of course.  They sang me the chorus of "Ngelengede" at one point during the night; I like it so much I asked them to come through to the studio the following day so that we could record it.

The following day we ended up recording our version of Oliver Twist and only got as far as recording a single vocal on the chorus for Ngelegede after I had made the drum pattern at 123BPM and played a very simple guitar progression to guide us (Em D A x2 Am G D Em x2).  A couple days later I made the synth riff that runs throughoout the record (everyone tells me it has a 90s rhumba feel to it... I think thats what really drives the song) and the bassline.  Stashed the song for a couple days and then invited the boys over to come and record in earnest.  

This is what it sounded like on the beginning of the second day of working on it: Click here to download. .  Recording the verses took most of an afternoon an evening, mainly coz Billy despite being probably our strongest and most natural vocalist, really likes to take his time in writing verses.  Eazy's verse was fairly straightforward in writing and recording... as I usually do I helped him pick out his harmonies.  My favourite being the on the second "elo waibila ..."

Billy's verse (verse 2) initially I thought was way too long (24 bars!!!), and I had plans of cutting it up after he left.  But after listening to it like a million times I decided to leave it as is, simply because of all the raw emotion he put into the delivery and how incredibly melodic it was.  And we at Bana love melody.  He put down his lead vocal in 4 parts, citing lack of breath as making it impossible for him to do it all in one take. He then put a second, very melodic harmony on about 95% of the verse and finished off with a little baritone

heres a screen shot of Billy's verse

Albert (verse 3) on his good day is a recording specialist.  On this record I beleive he recorded his verse in one take.  Albert has a nice way of switching his verses 4 or so bars into it (as you will hear on other songs, and this song is no exception.  He started with the very sorrowful "umwana alelila" repeated for the first 8 bars.  The following 8 I asked him to put down a harmony to sort of thicken it out, as I had already figured I wasnt going to play drum for the first 8 bars and I wanted a nice dynamic change into the last 8.  I finally asked him to back up selected words as if he were recording a rap verse (for a teeny bit more thickness).  Finally he put down spoken ad-libs (if you listen carefully you can hear him saying "please tata... chaba shani kanshi... not even salt ... umfweni mayo" ... in the left channel). Other interesting features to take note are the little organ sound which I just totally loved and a little arpeggio from Hypersonic that was hiding in the mix all along but you only get to hear on this part after I muted the lead synth.

Mixing verse 3 gave me a hard time, as I wanted to create like a surreal psychedelic dream-sequence type feel to it.  So I experimented with some unearthly sounding reverbs and delays as well as the little African-inspired guitar riff on the right and a more 70s rock inspired distorted guitar sound on the left.  You can hear the same African riff right at the very beginning of the song.

The chorus was a real bitch to work with... I had wanted Albert's vocal to lead because he sang it so well, and Billy's attempts at singing a lead were way too bland.  Billy and Eazy were thus assigned harmony duties and I also put down one making it a total of 7 sung harmonies on the chorus, with a further 4 tracks of shouted "ngelegede" to thicken it out.  here's an acapella mix of the chorus.  See if you can hear my voice!!

I'll be entirely honest:  this isn't my best mix. The reasons are many but mostly time as I was working on a deadline to get the song and the video out.  And I feel I was being a tiny bit too ambitious with the sheer quantities of sounds I wanted to put in the final mix. For example I put a shaker AND a hi-hat pattern on the chorus, two snare patterns and like 3 percussion tracks.  Which frankly is extreme over-kill.  My strummed and finger picked guitar tracks are barely audible because I really couldn't find any space in the mix to put them, put I felt taking them out entirely would kill something on the song.  The finger picking, I'll admit, was pretty awful, which is the main reason its turned down so low.  Song was just too damn fast and my brain and fingers were just too damn slow!! Listen to the guitar work here



It was however my first true 24-bit recording.  I had the M-Audio Fast Track Pro for about 3 years, but only was able to really use it for the 6 weeks I was at home this holiday.  


and finally, the plugins I used!!


KORG Polysix (you won't hear this one... totally subliminal)
DSK Elektrik Keys (you wont hear it either... just gave shit some thickness)
KORG MS-20 (bassline...!)
KORG Legacy Cell (for the 90s style rhumba synth)
Organ-One (for that sad-ass organ on verse 3.. its actually on the chorus also)
VL-Tone (you wont hear this either... its a nice little emulator of an early Casio keyboard... I put heavy effects on it and let it sit quietly in the background of the mix to confuse the enemy)
Hypersonic (hey I think all of us have used this baby at one point in life, I stil use Hypersonic 1 but I'm very proud to say I'm not at all dependant on this plugin like a lot of people out there.  Used it for an arpeggio and also a little string and clavi sound
Cakewalk SI-DrumKit (hi-hats... I always use this for hats in all my boostele shit)
Sony DLS Soft Synth (shakers)


My drums came from my very secret 2 gig folder of samples.  The snare pattern was heavily influenced by Jimmy Judge's work with Mozegator.  Credit where it's due.  


I would appreciate al y'all's feedback on everything from song structure to mix to general direction, influences and the future of lack thereof of my guys.  Hope its been readable!!


You can listen and download the song here!!

profile: Bana ba Kongo

Bana ba Kongo is a collective of three very different Lusaka-based 20-somethings .  Founded in 2011, the groups music takes a very light-hearted approach to life and living.  Though very tempting to put the group down as a chiunda band, its nearly impossible to clearly define what musical genre Bana ba Kongo can be placed in, as the music is a fusion of many diverse genres. 

Just from the name (which, they insist, must be pronounced with hard ‘b’s!), there is absolutely nothing ordinary about this group.  The band’s music draws influences primarily from the work of contemporaries such as Mozegator, the Mimbulu Family and Ama Blax as well as Nasty D and the kalindula legends of the 80s and 90s.  Their sound, which is the brainchild of main producer Nkandu “stretch.dj” Kataya, is the final product of years of experimenting with different sounds such as house, kalindula, boostele, classic rock, hip-hop and dancehall. 

Freshmen (Ba Fresh)

Freshmen

Albert Njapau (real name Albert Njapau) hails from Chamba Valley in Lusaka, a quite fitting point of origin for the multi-talented singer/rapper. Anyone who knows "Ba Fresh" knows that his trademark is his incredible sense of humor. In the studio, Fresh is responsible for many of Bana Ba Kongo's insanely danceable drum patterns. Fresh has a fair amount of production experience working as Stretch's assistant during his time with  X.Y.Z Entertainment.  Fresh’s lyrical subject matter varies from side-splitting comedy to social commentary to catchy, feel-good call-and-responses.  On stage Fresh can fairly be called the most distinguished dancer of the three

One Billyon

One Billyon

Born Jilowa Wambilisome twenty years ago in Lusaka, Billy (as he is affectionately known) is a product of Mupapa School in Ndola. Billy's biggest strength lies in his versatility, counting song-writing and singing in all imaginable styles as his main threats. Billy can boom out a strong ragga hook, or something far more soulful and emotional at the drop of a hat. Coupled with his knack for creating concepts out of nothing, Billy hopes for a bright future in the game.  The happy-go-lucky University of Lusaka Commerce student counts Bob Marley and P.K. Chishala among his inspirations, and strongly admires the work of T-Sean and B Flow. 

Aubzee (Popo Fyuta)

Aubzee

If its not always his voice, its certainly his rhythms that are behind every BBK record.  Aubrey Chikoyo’s upbringing is rooted in music; his father being an accomplished guitar player.  During his school years in Kabwe, Aubzee and a group of friends were always to be found banging on drums and singing songs at every Kalonga High football match.  His ability on the drums can be heard on songs like “Bengi ba Baila” (where he collaborated  on production with cousin stretch.dj) and "Waluvyanya".  Known also as “Popo Fyuta” and “Red Panther”, Aubzee distinguishing mark lyrically is his poetic use of the Bemba language in his unique delivery, reminiscent of Shimba Boyd of Mimbulu Family in tone and Shimasta in terms of imagery. Metaphors and wordplay are his main staple as he adds to the group’s overall fresh sound.  

Bana first came on the scene late last year with their provocative Internet release ‘Lwimbo lwa Nsele’ which caused a major furor on the underground.  Despite not receiving any airplay (for obvious reasons) the group attracted attention from bar and pub owners, often being invited to perform a few tunes for their patrons. The feedback and response thus far has been encouraging, with many showering praise on the groups outlandish outfits and solid stage-work.  As of writing, Bana have all but wrapped up work on their yet-to-be-titled debut album set to hit shelves in July this year.

Bana Ba Kongo’s music is definitely a breath of fresh air in a Zambian music industry stifled with bubblegum music.  From day one, BBK have always strived to go back to the fundamentals and present a uniquely Zambian sound with a 21st century twist.  Despite the often edgy subject matter and sometimes unconventional approach to song structure, Bana believes that their music will keep people across the continent grooving for a long time to come!

#MampisHair

 Just a few of the best #MampisHair tweets from Thursday
(n.b. I really didn't mean anything malicious by this, just having a bit of fun... We are 100% behind you girl!)
    
    
#MampisHair now on @dstv channel 198

@Jackfro1 #stargame #Mampishair is fluent in 9 languages and is currently learning how to speak 'Am a very awful hair style' @stretchdj
‏

@exquizzitz #MampisHair is the original dark continent #Stargame

@FrancisTandeo @BigBroAfrica we luv u mampi u
‏
@Cutie_Cici Tbh if mampi came to aussie they'd search her hair for drugs n shit!! #realtalk #BorderSecurity
‏
@mack_sqw33zy #mampi #mampi #mampi........wats with the hair????

@ThatBoiDutch Beats by Dre & now we got WEAVE by MAMPI ,..#mampishair

@Mwine_Filimu The President has commissioned a commission to look into #MampisHair

@stretchdj "@the_banda #MampisHair is the reason for global warming" #stargame

 @stretchdj @dowjones5 If you look closely you will see two elephants, a land rover and six midgets playing golf in #mampisHair #stargames

@stretchdj #Mampi was here #MampisHair http://pic.twitter.com/tUDmfQcy

@stretchdj Fraudulently obtaining K1bn from MTN ain't beeeg #MampisHair is BEEEEG!!!

 @exquizzitz “@Lalozie: #MampisHair just might be #Zambia's 11th province...” *buries self alive*

@Lalozie #MampisHair is the reason Phineas and Ferb were finally busted by Candace...

@velaruze Adams family finaly find a wife for Thing #mampishair

@exquizzitz #MampisHair is the reason there's so much congestion on Lusaka roads

@exquizzitz I'm going to sleep late and fail to get up early tomorrow because of #MampisHair

@The_Banda I bet the girl in this picture wishes she had #MampisHair ~~» http://pic.twitter.com/LfpwkP4Q

@velaruze Breaking News lady gaga loses prop latest whilst on tour #mampishair
‏
@bnach92 @Miss_Bee90 Rapunzle Rapunzle let down #mampisHair

@velaruze If John Cena stands behind #mampishair .. Wat will he say? " U can't c me

@stretchdj #MampisHair > #MyasHair

@casbabie #Mampishair is so unbeweavable

@velaruze #mampishair hair can knock out Esther Phiri.

@stretchdj #MampisHair doubles as her back-up dancer

@Jaybzm #MampisHair can smell what The Rock is cookin'

@pumulokaywala RT @Excus3MyFrench: #mampishair is the inspiration behind Dandy Crazys #CHINTELELWE

@SaniboyMwale Let's have sex no #mampishair attached #dead
‏
@Fuchsiaristic So am looking at myself in the mirror right and my weave says to me,When I grow up,I want to be like #MampisHair

@Chipochedu *dies... comes back to life... Then dies again* RT @geshgroove " pap in Zambia in english is called nshima " #Mampi #BigBrotherStarGames
‏
@haksy89 Some say she can hide the Stig in it... Others say, astronauts are able to see it from space... All we know is, its called #MampisHair

@michstizzy Contrary to popular belief #MampisHair actually grew a human being;her name is Mampi,she is a singer & a contestant in the BBA7

@rebellion414 I bet you need a rake to comb #MampisHair

@Fuchsiaristic #Didyouknow #MampisHair originally belonged to Samson.

@stretchdj #MampisHair is going to be on the new currency

@Bradleychingobe Its easier for a camel to pass through an eye of a needle than to find a chigayo lost in #mampishair

@Hardy_LS @MCFC have sent Patrick Viera to sign #MampisHair for undisclosed fee rumoured to be in the range of $1,600 to $1,600,000

 @Hardy_LS #MampisHair fills my ......" tv http://twitpic.com/9jj7pc
‏
@stretchdj George Lucas is rumoured to be interested in #MampisHair for the role of Chewbacca in the next Star Wars flick

@TwentyKwacha #MampisHair will sponsor MMD's national convention.

@Princess_Cobra #MampisHair can scare Chuck Norris

@stretchdj #BreakingNews Bigfoot has finally tracked down in Randburg, South Africa. #MampisHair

@stretchdj #MampisHair shot the sheriff

@stretchdj There is a conspiracy concerning #MampisHair and the Eurozone crisis

@Lalozie The 2.1bllion buried by Liato was change he got after buying #MampisHair

@luchi7 The tennis world is thinking of using #MampisHair as a playing surface after experimenting with blue clay

 @stretchdj #MampisHair only dates football players' hair ;)

@Hey_Mr_Lee #MampisHair was an extra in 'Willow Smith's - I whip my hair' video #TeamZambia

@stretchdj #MampisHair has its own diary session #TeamZambia

@stretchdj #MampisHair could feed a family of 6 for, I dunno, the better part of eternity :)

@stretchdj #MampisHair ghost wrote "Swilili"

@stretchdj the purchase of #MampisHair triggered a week of mayhem on the Lusaka Stock Exchange

@stretchdj #MampisHair has its own website

@stretchdj #MampisHair is the GDP of Malawi

@stretchdj hey @kryticismusic lets start a TT #MampisHair
  
5:24 PM - 10 May 12 via web · Details

Occupations

::| according to potty

Electrical Engineer - Cable Guy

Pharmacist - Drug Dealer (junkies please form an orderly queue behind the red line)

Fuel Attendant - Petroleum Products Transfer Technician

Quantity Surveyor - Brick Counter (really, thats what they do)

Accountant - Chartered Criminal

Journalist - Copy-and-Paste Robot

Singer/Rapper - Part-Time Sex Therapist (the amount of tail these guys get. smh)

Receptionist - Kachepa

Air Hostess - Why-Are-All-Of-You-Hotties?

Lawyer - Retailer of Expensive Latin Words

PA to the MD - The Real Boss (shout out to my big sis)

Doctor - Demi-god in White Coat

Stay-at-Home Dad - Loser (a spade is not a big spoon)

Barman - Can-I-Have-Two-Castle?

Conductor - Transport Officer (officer, may you kindly stop the omnibus and allow me to alight at Zesco)

Radio Jock - See "Singer/Rapper"

Teacher - Selfless Dispenser of Knowledge (you all deserve medals)

Policeman - Incompetence Wears Khaki

Footballer - A Costly Pair of Appendages

Jonisolyobwali - Domestic Affairs Officer

Gov't Minister - Revenue Consumption Expert

Nurse - Purveyor of Pain and Rudeness

Coach - Failed Athlete

First Year Female Student - Sperm Receptacle

Mechanical Engineer - Spanner Boy (granted, a very nerdy spanner boy)

ends |::

epic.stretch/updates 1.1

"believes Mayuka is worth more than what Porto are offering Kabwe Warriors. C'mon guys!" - August 8th 2008

 

"xenophobia, crime, cold nights, unforgiving courses, language difficulties, expensive cigarettes... someone please remind me why I came to South Africa!" - May 26th 2008

 

"deserves a lifetime under-acheivement award." - October 3rd 2008

 

"A good barometer of the awesomeness of a weekend is to go into stretch's bag and count the empty fag packets and jili sachets... I'm gunning for 30 jilis this weekend. I've paid my cab man in advance, lest i black the fuck out in Chibolya or something" - December 24th 2009

 

"‎**** I'm auctioning off my Facebook account**** We start the bidding at K100,000.... you may be wondering why it's of value? Well, you are afforded the opportunity to dig up 2 years and 8 months of inbox dirt on me" - December 17th 2009

 

"This industry has its price. I miss the days when we would ride busses instead of cabs, when we could walk anonymously into a tavern and get wasted on a budget. When girls weren't that interested...." - December 16th 2009

 

"I'm told there's 48km of cabling within the QFM building" - December 15th 2009

Perfecto - Memory Kalima

What comes to your mind when you listen to B1's Perfecto? Or is it "Vipuba" as it is commonly known by the masses? Some men find the term "Vipuba" provocative; trust me, I would be too if I was a man... who would want to be called a fool? I know this is so clichè but what the heck! I might as well comment on the song.

Firstly, I must make mention that I am a staunch Zambian music fanatic and my friends would testify to this. If a song is good I'll definatly listen to it and I must commend our Zambian musicians for a job well done, Zambian music has taken a different dimension altogether, which is pretty good.

Back to the topic at hand: PERFECTO, Vipuba if you like. The song is okay really, but the first verse is somewhat offending to some women. Due to limited space I'll not write down the lyrics to the song. I bet most of you have probably heard the song a thousand times and you may have different opinions towards the song which is okay. In my opinion I think B1 was some how mocking women who choose to remain chaste and because of this some women will end up settling for less than they deserve, they'll hang on to cheating partners, they'll not speak out on abusive relationships etc. in the name of "Kulibe PERFECTO".
We all know that nobody is perfect, but that's no reason why men should start justifying their wrongs. I see some men openly cheating on their partners, abusing and battering them. Then later going back to them saying sorry I am not "Mr Perfecto", I am just a fool... Really!? That's some lame excuse if you ask me.

Some of you will reason with me, some of you won't, we are entitled to our own opinion after all. All in all, a word of advice; DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS, don't hang on to broken relationships, don't stay in abusive relationships just because you think no one is PERFECT. Know your worth and don't let anyone disrespect you. Choose your partner wisely, do not rush into relationships. And always seek for guidance from God and remember God's time is the best.

Stretch's Life Instruction Manual

[first published in August 2009]

1. Carry these important instructions with you wherever you go

2. Playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas into the wee hours of the morning is not a good idea if you have work the following day.
But if you really have to play it, include lots of 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Fat Joe, Camstar and Slapdee

4. Know where and how to get a SIM Replacement...

5. Know how to say "Give me a cigarette" in at least 10 different languages

6. Never EVER say thank you afterward... that's just rude

7. There is never an excuse to NOT wear socks

8. If you ever have to attend to the call of nature and discover yourself without tissue or newspaper... sacrifice your socks...

9. Look right, look left, look right again...

10. If it's yellow and it has a mustache, it just wants your money

11. People have much better things to do than talk about you...

12. Never buy weed that's already been rolled. It's probably not weed.

13. If you ever want to succeed, you actually have to work at it.

14. If she dumps you, spend a year winning her heart back. After you get her back dump her the following week

15. Do it right now. Not tomorrow

16. Send all your uncles and aunties a text every two weeks.

17. Profit ni profit

18. If you're going to talk to a guy or girl you like, brush your teeth thoroughly .

19. Never fart when you're alone in an elevator. You will be gravely embarrassed at the next stop.

20. Don't argue with the conductor

21. Ten pin can solve almost any problem imaginable.

22. No matter how round and appealing it looks, don't grab it. You will lose your job or go to jail

23. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west

24. There's some words you just shouldn't say. Especially when you are drunk.

25 . Save water. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.

26. Warm clothing in cold weather. Self explanatory

27. Expect lots of negativity from around you as your successes begin to stack up

28. Know your bartender by first name.

29. Build a strong friendship with your superiors. Teachers, bosses, religious leaders, parents and senior family members.

30. If you don't know what you're talking about, you don't necessarily need to shut up. Just keep making your audience feel small and stupid. This is also the first rule of Stretch's Guide to Propaganda. But we shall tackle this another week.

31. There are some phone numbers you must always keep in your head. These include your significant other( spouse, girl/boyfriend), your parents, and a friend who is most likely to be holding a large quantity of cash on his person at any given time. Please note that this last individual is the most important person in your life. He is the difference between spending a weekend in jail and resuming a great night on the town.

32. There IS actually a cure for the common cold. It's 10 little yellow pills known as Piriton and they can be bought for as little as K500.

33. Size matters.

34. Dry lips aren't sexy.

35. Dancing alone in a nightclub doesn't mean you will die alone. It just means you're not the best dancer.

36. Make up for your shortcomings with mastery of your strengths

37. Not matter how much you shake and dance, the last drop always ends up in your pants. (Andrew Adams, thanks!)

38. You don't need to watch the game. Just find out the half time score, final score, and the scorers. Everyone will be fooled.

39. The herd is probably headed to an abattoir, en masse. You don't have to follow.

40. You don't need drugs, movies, alcohol, or novels to escape reality. Just good old-fashioned daydreaming.

41. Breakfast. Non-negotiable

42. Delicacy is another way of spelling gag reflex.

43. If you have to dumb down when talking to your significant other, the relationship is destined for failure.

44. If you walk from Kabwe roundabout to Kafue roundabout and complain of fatigue at any point, you are either very lazy or a very spoilt brat. Or, God forbid, both.

45. Just pay.

46. Never harbour a grudge against your closest friends. Get it in the open. Argue and fight about it. Then move on with life.

47. Ignoring phone calls is rude.

48. The easiest way of doing it is often the most boring way. Challenge and excite yourself.

N.B. There is no number 3.  I don't need to give a reason, there just isn't.

Easter!

Hope you had a blessed one, whatever you got up to this past weekend.  I'm not the most religious of people, but I thought it would be a good time to share my thoughts on religion at this time.

Firstly a brief background story, so that you have an idea of where I come from.  My late Father was devout Catholic and my mother is a baptised Jehovah's Witness who spends 30+ hours every month in active door-to-door preaching.  It was in this denominational mix that I grew up in, firstly attending mass with my dad until about 9 when I started congregating regularly with the Witnesses.  I wouldn't say Catholics and Witnesses are polar opposites, but they certainly do have gaping doctrinal differences which I won't go into for lack of space and time. What I will state is that it has a lot to do with my religious apathy.


What do we know?  History and archaeology tell us there was indeed a certain Jesus, son of Joseph of Nazareth, a Jew, who lived some 2000 years ago and traversed the land of Palestine for 3 years preaching a new lifestyle and way of life, gaining thousands of followers as a result before being put to death by the Jewish clergy and the Roman authorities for sedition. That is fact. 

What do we believe? Well, this is where things become a little bit trickier.  The Bible contains four books detailing the life and times of aforementioned Jesus the Christ.  There a lot of things that certainly raise the sceptics eyebrow: born of a virgin, healing the sick, raising the dead, feeding thousands on scraps of a bread and a few fish, executed and miraculously resurrected three days later and everything in between.  How much of that one literally believes is, in my opinion, a personal matter. 

There was once a point in life when I had completely given up on the concept of there being a God.  Thankfully, I don't share this view anymore.  I can't explain why I believe.  I can't say how much of the Bible is historical fact and I can't point out the exaggerations or the half-truths. 

A couple years ago the Ghanian writer Edem Djokotoe wrote a story in his usual column in the Post Newspaper. This was a time where the was a story making the rounds about a guy with a Hummer who was infecting girls with some very strange disease. Edem in his article pointed out that this was probably a fabricated story, but with a positive moral message i.e. ladies, your taste for the good life could cost you miserably. I've come to approach the Bible in a similar way.  I don't think its fair to pick every single detail and say such-and-such miracle or occurrence is scientifically impossible.  As a whole, as a book that teaches us a lot about how we ought to live our lives, its a great work. 

Jesus famously once talked about rich people and camels and needles (Matthew 19:24) and entering the Kingdom of the heavens.  This to me is and will always be an extremely important Scripture for the cause of Christianity.  I think what the man meant was (and this is very abstract): knowing human nature, when things are good we don't feel like we need any help at all.  But when things start to go south, we become very prayerful and remember God.  And its not necessarily physical riches or material wealth.  It could be health or happiness or a whole bunch of things.  When we have those things, we feel contentedly invincible.  Take one away and we very quickly remember our Creator.  As such, it is difficult for a physically content person to be overly religious and spiritual in his outlook.

I hope I've made a little sense in this.  I'm still tryna really get the hang of this whole writing thing.  Please remember to pray and to be good to the people around you.

A Quick Note on Journalism

I feel its worth mentioning in passing the falling standards of journalism.  I have worked in the private media for a little while, and I'm fairly familiar with the workings of the profession.

One of my biggest concerns are the lack of originality in reporting in our media.  I always get the impression that there's a template that all students are given on their first day of journalism class on how to write a news item. 

How many times have you heard the following?

"Scores of Lusaka resident today witnessed..."

"Republican President ..."

"Works at [insert name of company] today ground to a halt when [specify problem]..."

"Police in [insert city name] have arrested ...."

"The Drug Enforcement Comission (D.E.C)..."

(really, what's the point of mentioning an acronym of an organisation we are all familiar with? FAZ is another victim)

Thats just a handful of the opening lines that make me cringe everytime I hear them.

I'm also very worried about what seems to me like unobjective reporting from the Zambian Watchdog . Watchdog needs to realise they are one of the very few online publications and Zambians in the diaspora rely on them almost daily for accurate news from back home.  I really have doubts as to these claims:

Who we are
The Zambian Watchdog is owned by private Zambian journalists.
What we do
We publish breaking news on Zambia and about Zambia on a 24 hour basis. We also publish investigative special reports. At times we aggregate news carried by local media.
Our guiding principle
We write news regardless of who or what the subject is. We fear no one. We favour no one.

Like I said earlier, I have interacted with journalists like Costa Mwansa, David Bweupe, Joe Chilaizya and Alexander Musokotwane.  I wonder what their opinions on Watchdog are. 


In the same vein, the grammatical and spelling errors in our newspapers and online publications are really a crying shame.  I'm really not trying to nit-pick but its embarassing to us as a nation to have such glaring errors in daily national papers. 

There's my 2 ng'wee

Study Break Music

I've been listening to a lot of different music the past week. 

It started with the song they play during the champagne celebration at the end of each F1 race.  I googled it a couple years back and discovered it was composed by a French dude called Georges Bizet... It was the prelude to a quite famous work of his called Carmen.  I spent some time trying to download the mp3, which i eventually succeded in getting.  But in the the process I was led to discover Montserrat Caballet, a very talented Spanish vocalist who was responsible for the beautiful delivery of Habanera in that exact same opera.  Her prolific career as an operatic singer led her to work in later years with Freddie Mercury (who I really like) of Queen, particularly on the song 'Barcelona' (which was actually used as the theme song for the '92 Barcelona Olympics after Mercury's demise of AIDS).  Interestingly I've known of Freddie Mercury for forever, and I remember the Barcelona song from childhood, but I had never heard of Caballe.  Turns out she had quite an illustrious career.  If I'm not mistaken she's still alive somewhere.

What really woke me up was all the Queen material I found on YouTube. I watched some of the band's best performances including the famous Live Aid Concert at Wembley in London 1985.  They were truly great performers, and I think a lot of guys in entertainment can take a leaf from those incredible bunch of guys.  Take some time to click the link above and watch the video.  There's a reason the call it the world wide web.  Everything is connected, and you can go from here to anywhere with a click of the mouse.  You know how YouTube is, with the suggestions on the side of the page you click another video of interest and so on and so forth ad infinitum.

Eventually I found myself in 1969 at the famous Woodstock concert. And for the second time in my life I listened to Jimi Hendrix rendition of "the Star-Spangled Banner".  My first impression of the piece when I watched it a couple years ago, were simply that it was the over-artistic attempts by a long-haired junkie to create an edgy and non-conventional travesty of the national anthem of his country on the least likely of instruments.  I really was not impressed.

But strangely (and for a reason that was until not so long incomprehensible to myself), that one performance of that one song has been hailed as one of the greatest musical performances of history.  So, this time I sat down and actually bothered to do a little background research as to what exactly the funny looking black man with the upside-down guitar was trying to achieve with his whining guitar.  My research, as it turns out, revealed that Mr. Hendrix actually enlisted in the US Army in 1961 and served a year in the 101st Airborne Division, before being discharged for being, effectively, a lazy bum.  Simultaneous to that historic concert in upstate New York, the American nation was at war in a far-far away place in Asia known as Vietnam.  Fighting age American soldiers were being conscripted into service of their country against the ugly communist threat.  Many were dying.  The government was fighting an unpopular war; the American people were quite understandably and for lack of a more concise phrase, pissed-off. And needed an escape.  And that they found with things like the hippie movement, drugs and of course, music.  In fact the concert was billed as "An Aquarian Exposition in White Lake, NY ... 3 days of peace & music".  Indeed turbulent times in the United States, and it was against this backdrop that James Marshall Allen Hendrix stepped onto stage  on the 18th day of August.

Hendrix begins the piece with the usual familiar first strains "oh say can you see"  ... and proceeds to play the familiar tune, with-out much deviation from the original.  Upon reaching the line where the lyrics would ordinarily read "and the rockets red glare... the bombs bursting in air" Hendrix proceeds to turn his guitar into an unearthly synthesizer, replicating the chaos of the war in Vietnam replete with dropping bombs, airplane sounds and explosions.  The emotion on his face really is amazing.  The most definitive moment of the whole piece for me is where he plays a few bars from "Taps" which is the slow haunting bugle melody played for departed soldiers being laid to rest in the US military.

Genius.


I wish I was there, really.  Not to party, no.  I'm told that the four day Woodstock concert was at some points nothing more than a big drug convention.  But I wish I was there to see that one magic moment of music history.  Alas, I was born many years too late in an African country far away.

But some people don't get rock.  And its perfectly understandable, I guess.  To each his own.  So there's some of the stuff that kept me busy the past five days.  Take some time to click on the links.  Open your minds! Cheers guys!

State of the [Hip-Hop] Nation pt. 1

A historian or musicologist can walk you through the origins of the hip-hop genre in the Republic of Zambia.  I however, am no historian or musicologist.  I'm simply an opinionated former DJ/producer.  As such I won't talk about the journey so much as our current destination.

It would be nearly impossible to write a piece on local hip-hop without acknowledging the contribution of C.R.I.$.I.S aka Mr. Swagger.  At a time when few dreamt of making a career of music, let alone hip-hop, Mr. Katongo was on his grind.  The results?  A CV filled with accolades, globe trotting adventures and some solid albums under his belt.

Which brings us to a critical talking point: C.R.I.$.I.S raps in English.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  Or so you'd think.  However, for a reason that is very hard to understand, English rappers have not been wholly embraced in Zambia.  Its an old story, but I feel its worth mentioning for the sake of seeking a solution to the problem.  You'd hear Rick Ross playing in a random barbershop in Kamanga, or a blue bus blaring Nicki Minaj on Great East Road.  Your chances of hearing Zone Fam from the pre-Ndine Chikali era?  Nix.  Fancy slotting into a token and spinning something from the late Soosh Matix?  Think again.  Wanna listen to something from the Juggernauts on your favourite afternoon drive time show?  Chances are, your favourite DJ has only a vague idea who or what the Juggernauts are.

And thats just the reality.  As I alluded to in my tweets on Thursday evening, Zambia is endowed with a multitude of naturally gifted rappers.  Lyrically and poetically (wait, is there a difference?) the likes of Skrypted and K.R.Y.T.I.C  could give any MC on this planet a serious run for their money.  The diminutive Klappa Heiz  has one of THE most convincing deliveries I've ever heard.  That deep rumble from the litttle man makes you want to shit yourself with fear.  Like he's gonna jump out ya speakers and strangle you.  We have the likes of K-Star who, I'm told, can freestyle for hours on end.  Non-stop. the list just goes on and on and on

Looking though at the mainstream, we find an encouraging picture.  The wealth of rappers who can spit in vernacular is impressive.  Credit of course must be given to the founding fathers of the vernac game; the Leo Muntus and Masta Flows of this world.  They opened up the doors for generation 'D' referring of course to the two (literally) big ones: Tommy and Slap.  At a time when we didnt think a rap song in Nyanja would ever sound right, those two burst onto the scene in late 2005.  The game hasn't really been the same since. There was of course the infamous debate as to who stole who's style, and we can talk about that till the cows come home. But we won't.  Hoofed quadrupeds aside, I think that particular argument was simply too close to call.  And this far down the line, its hardly relevant, seeing as one of them has ceased to be musically relevant as of this writing.  But I digress.  The Slapdee/Tommy D feud sparked a surging interest in hip-hop.  Now every kid had a dream of being the next chart topper.  Radio stations began to take notice and our modern hip-hop era was born.  And it brought Alpha Romeo, LB, Zone Fam, J.O.B, Bobby East, Brisky,  etc etc etc etc.

I'm always asked about my opinion of Macky 2.  I here for the first time for the record, I give it.  The man is pretty impressive.  He has certainly brought a certain breath of fresh air into the game.  His rhyming and pattern is solid, his hooks catchy and he has the very handy ability to sing, rap and produce under different stage names.  I struggle to think of anything negative to say about his artistic ability.  Shockingly he's a pretty quiet and soft-spoken guy in person the few occasions I've met him.  

Bringing us to the other Kaira brother, Chef 187.  It isn't everyday I'm blown out of the water by one particular artists, but I will admit I was very impressed the first time I heard him.  What i particular love is how he daringly went and explored rap in Bemba, which is previously almost unexplored territory.  I forsee a bright future for him.

Camstar continues to impress.  I think he is best placed to really make it big locally, as he's a beast on either side of the linguistic fence.  Bemba, Nyanja, English, Cam will spit it, sometimes in the same verse.  By his own admission he isn't much of a punchliner, but his wordplay and storytelling abilities are certainly above par.  In my very humble opinion, for now, the crown is effectively his.  Its just that the general public don't know it yet.  You'll see, and you'll tell me I was right after all.

For now, I'll let you digest this all.  When we come back with part 2, I'll be critiquing our current star(lets) and telling you who to look out for the future, and the contribution of third non-rapping parties to the game.  And we'll wrap up with the bigger picture of African and global hip-hop and where we may slot in.

Stay blessed!

My first ever post!

Ok... lets see how this goes.

I am not a writer.  I'm not a comedian.  I'm not a musician.  I'm not a DJ.  I dont know what I am really.  But I've always wanted to try a shot at writing.  Why?  Mainly because I need self-expression in my life.  Its the only thing that has kept me sane over the years. 

My self-expression in the past has had strange outlets.  Sometimes its the questionable fashion choices and hairstyles.  The provocative tweets and Facebook updates.  The bizarre text-in topics I would introduce in my days on radio.  My taste in music.  My choice of alcoholic beverages. 

I'm that person who always finds a subtle way of defying convention.  A not-so-evident means to run against the herd.  I can never resist an opportunity to slide a toe slightly ahead of the line. 

And I'm proud of being me.  Fearless.  Different. 

I hope you'll find my blog posts entertaining.  Which, to be frank, isn't the best motiviation, I think, for starting a blog.  I shouldnt really be trying to entertain.  I should be aiming to self-express.  But if we are a ble to find even a little middle ground then everyone wins.

Look out for my take on politics, economics, music, relationships, popular and sub-cultures, and social networking.  I'll try and update as often as my demanding engineering degree allows.

So!

There's my 'welcome to my blog' blog. 

Take care and God Bless!!